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The Cattle Range Home Page
Cattle Buyer Jokes...
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A cattle buyer met an untimely demise.  At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter was reviewing the cattle buyer’s file. 

St. Peter said, “Your file indicates you claim to be a Christian… What can you tell me about the life of Jesus? 

Swallowing hard, the cattle buyer responded, "Well, St. Peter, about 2000 years ago, Jesus was born unto the Virgin Mary in a manger.  When he grew up, he preached the word of God unto thousands of people. He was then crucified for our sins. They put his body in a tomb.  The next day he came out and saw his shadow."

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A crusty-looking older gentleman entered the cattle buyer's office, walked up to the receptionist's desk and said… 
"I need to talk to the damned cattle buyer." 

The astonished woman replied, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" 

"Listen up, dammit.  I said I want to talk to the damned cattle buyer... Now,"  snarled the man.

Indignant, the receptionist responded, "I'm very sorry sir, but I won't tolerate that kind of language."
She left her desk and went into the cattle buyer's office and told him what had happened. 

Furious, the cattle buyer said, "I'll deal with him... He can't talk to you like that and get away with it."

They both returned to her desk and the cattle buyer asked the man, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" 

"There"s no damned problem," the man said. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damned lottery and bought a Helluva big ranch.  I need 5,000 head of damned cattle to stock the damned ranch and I want you to buy the damned things for me."

”I see," said the cattle buyer… "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

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A cattle buyer was in Mexico looking for cattle and stopped at a cantina for refreshment and dinner.  While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the aroma was wonderful, so he asked the waiter, "What is that you just served that guy over there?" 

The waiter replied, "Ah, Señor, you have excellent taste! Those are the bull's testicles from the bullfight.… A delicacy!" 

The cattle buyer said, “Sounds good. Bring me an order!" 

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, Señor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each day. If you come back tomorrow, we will save you this delicacy!" 

The cattle buyer returned the next evening and was served the delicacy of the day. After taking a few bites and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called the waiter over and said, "These are delicious, but they're a lot smaller than the ones you served yesterday! Why is that?" 

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Señor, sometimes the bull wins". 

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A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture and an enterprising bounty hunter decided to track him down. 

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, sneaked up behind him, put his pistol to the bandit's head, and said, "Let's keep this simple... Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." 

But the bandit didn't speak English and the bounty hunter didn't speak Spanish. 

A cattle buyer, who traded cattle on the border, was in the cantina at the time.  He spoke Spanish and offered to  translate the bounty hunter's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. 

"What did he say?" asked the bounty hunter. 

The cattle buyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, Gringo... You're too stupid to even know how to pull the trigger.'"

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About 8:00 in the evening, Bart’s wife sent him to the store to get her some cigarettes.  While there, he ran into an old girlfriend and ended up going to her apartment, where he spent the next 4 hours. 

When Bart finally realized what time it was, he knew he was in serious trouble.  He asked the woman for some talcum powder and proceeded to rub it all over his hands and then headed home to face the music.

When he arrived, his wife was waiting at the door.  “Where have you been?  I’ve been out of my mind with worry.”

“I’ve done a terrible thing,” said Bart.  “I met an old girlfriend and I’ve been unfaithful to you.”

“Don’t lie to me, Bart!!”  shrieked his wife.  “Your hands are all covered with talcum powder.  You’ve been down at the bar drinking and shooting pool.”

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Jed was supposed to recieve some cattle in the country and he was running about an hour late.  Trying to make up some time, he had his Lincoln up to 110 when a policeman pulled him over.

The policeman said, "Sir, I clocked you at 109 MPH.  Is there an emergency?"

"No emergency, Officer,"  replied Jed.  "I was just going with the traffic."

Incredulous, the policeman said, "Sir, from right here, we can see over 2 miles down the road and there's not another car in sight."

"I know," said Jed... "I was trying to catch up."

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Bart had been going hard all fall buying cattle and failed to notice that his drivers license had expired.  He noticed it in December and went down to get it renewed.

After asking Bart his name and address, the clerk asked, "Date of birth?"

Bart replied, "June 24th."

Impatiently, the clerk asked, "What year?"

Just as impatiently, Bart responded... "It's on June the 24th every year."

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A guy was sitting at a bar visiting with the bartender... "Hey, I heard a good cattle buyer joke out at the sale barn." 

The bartender said, "Well, before you tell it, I want you to know that I used to be a cattle buyer. And those two big guys sitting next to you... They were linebackers on their college football teams and now they're both order buyers. Are you sure you really want to tell a cattle buyer joke?" 

The guy thought for a second and then said, "I guess not... I wouldn't want to have to explain it two or three times." 

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After a late afternoon consultation, a cattle buyer and his accountant went to a nearby bar for a drink...

The accountant told the bartender, " I'll have a TC."

The bartender said, ''What's that ?" 

The accountant said,  "You know... a Tom Collins."

The cattle buyer, wanting to exhibit his sophistication, said, "I'll have a 15." 

The bartender, starting to lose his patience, said, ''What the Hell is that?" 

The cattle buyer said, "You know... Seven & Seven."

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A cattle buyer came home late in the afternoon.  He sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."  Looking puzzled, she brought him the beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." 

This time she looked a little angry, but decided to bring him the beer anyway.

When the second beer was gone, he said, "Quick, one more before it starts." 

"That's it!" she exploded.  "You're gone for days on end and I don't hear from you.  You spend most of your time drinking coffee with your cronies or drinking beer with low-bred women and then you waltz in here, flop down, don't even say hello to me, and expect me to run around like your slave."

The cattle buyer muttered, "Damn it... I knew it was going to start."

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A cowboy was loading his horse into the trailer that was parked next to the road.  A couple from the city were driving by and stopped.  After asking some questions about ranching, the woman asked, "Why do you wear that large hat?"

The cowboy responded, "This hat keeps my head warm in the winter and keeps the sun off of my face in the summer."

Then she asked, "What are those leather things you have on over your jeans?"

"Chaps," answered the cowboy,  "They protect my legs from the brush that covers a lot of this area."

The man was looking at the cowboy's feet and said, "Why, you're wearing Nike's.  I thought real cowboys wore boots."

Gathering all of his dignity, the cowboy said, "Look, Mister, I'm a cowboy... Not a cattle buyer."

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Two cattle buyers were talking about the upcoming fall run... 

"I'm gonna make some changes this fall," said the first cattle buyer. "Two years ago, I was only home a few days during October and my wife got pregnant.  Last October, I was home even less and my wife got pregnant again."

"So what are you gonna change?" asked the second cattle buyer.

"By God, this year I gonna take my wife with me," said the first cattle buyer.

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Bart spent a lot of time on the road buying cattle.  After several years of marriage, he began to suspect his wife was cheating on him.  He purposely returned home a day earlier than his wife expected and stealthily entered the house and caught her in the arms of her lover.

In rage and dismay, he pulled out a pistol and put it to his head. 

His wife screamed, "Bart !!!  Don't do it.  We can work this out."

Bart snarled, "Shut up... You two are next."

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A cattle buyer was rushed to the hospital after being run over by a hit-and-run driver.  A policeman was there to question him after he was treated.

“It was my wife and mother-in-law who ran me down,” said the cattle buyer.

The policeman replied, “According to the doctor, you were hit from behind.  How could you tell it was your wife and mother-in-law?”

The cattle buyer answered… “I recognized their laughs.”

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A ventriloquist was hired to entertain at a nightclub and he began with a series of blonde jokes.  After the third blonde joke, a cattle buyer stood up and said,  "I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes.  My girlfriend is blonde and I’m not going to sit here and let you insult her.”

The flustered ventriloquist began to apologize, but the cattle buyer yelled at him, "You stay out of this, mister…  I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

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Tom called his friend, Bill, and asked him to come over and help him for about an hour.  When Bill got there, Tom told him he wanted Bill's opinion on what his yearling steers would weigh. 

Bill said, "Tom, you're better at guessing weights than I am... Why do you want my opinion?"

Tom replied, "Bart was here yesterday and made me a bid on the cattle.  But he insists they're 40 lbs. heavier than what I think they'll weigh."

Bill snorted and said, "I wouldn't pay much attention to what Bart says... Hell, he could miss a chicken by 10 lbs.

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The cattle buyer's wife was fed up with her husband's drinking and carousing, so she decided to try to scare him bad enough while he was in a drunken stupor to make him change his ways.  She dressed up like Satan and when her husband stumbled into the house at 2:30 in the morning, she appeared from behind the curtains and moved toward him menacingly, making hissing sounds, and brandishing a pitchfork.

The cattle buyer calmly looked at Satan and then slobbered, "You don't scare me, you SOB... I married your sister." 

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On a brisk fall morning, Bart was receiving cattle.  After the last draft was weighed, Bart and the rancher stepped out of the scale house and heard the unmistakable sound of geese.  They looked to the sky and saw a group of geese flying south in the classic "V" formation.

The rancher asked, "Bart, do you know why one side of that "V" is longer than the other?"

Not wanting to show his ignorance, Bart gazed at the "V" while he considered aerodynamics, pecking order, etc., but finally had to admit... "No. I guess I don't."

The rancher said... "Because there's more geese on that side."

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A cattle buyer was seated next to an attractive woman on an airplane. 

Trying to be friendly, the cattle buyer said, "Where are you from?"

With a withering look, the woman said, "From a place where we are sufficiently educated not to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." 

The cattle buyer sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "I apologise for my poor grammar.  Let me rephrase my question...  Where are you from, bitch?"

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Jake and Bart were on their way to look a big string of cattle when they got caught in a terrible blizzard.  In white-out conditions, they pulled into a ranch headquarters and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house, so maybe it would be better if your stayed in the bunkhouse.”

“Not a problem,” said Bart.  “The bunkhouse will be fine… If the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

Come morning, the weather was clear and the cattle buyers got on their way. About nine months later, Jake received an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow that let them stay in her bunkhouse.

He found Bart at his favorite watering  hole and asked, “Do you remember that good-looking widow that let us stay in her bunkhouse last winter?”

“I sure do,” replied Bart.

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" Jake asked.

With growing concern, Bart answered cautiously, “Yeah, I guess I did.”

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" asked Jake.

Looking like a deer caught in the headlights, Bart mumbled, “I guess I did that, too.  Is there a problem?”

“No problem,” laughed Jake.  “She just died… And left me everything.”

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The cattle buyer had to be out of town for several days receiving cattle. In the evenings, he frequented the local night spots and his last evening away from home, he struck up a friendship with a young lady that resulted in their driving to his motel and spending the night together.

The cattle buyer got home late the next afternoon, and feeling guilty, offered to take his wife out to dinner.  As they were driving to the restaurant, he spotted a high-heeled shoe protruding from under the passenger seat. Using the discipline learned from years of high-pressure cattle trading, he fought back the panic he was feeling and came up with a plan.  He proceeded to distract his wife by pointing to something out the passenger window.  While she was looking, in one fluid movement that was as quick as a snake and as silent as a hawk in flight, he snatched up the shoe and deftly tossed it out his window. 

They arrived at the restaurant a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked...
"Honey, have you seen my other shoe?" 

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The rancher stormed into the bar, ordered a double shot, and slammed it down.

The bartender said, "Tom, you okay?"

The rancher replied, "I guess so.  I'm just mad.  The cattle buyer I sold my cattle to just got to me.  If the market wasn't down, I would've run him off the place.  You can't trust a cattle buyer any more than a lawyer."

A man at the end of the bar stood up and said, "I resent that statement."

The bartender asked, "You a cattle buyer?"

Indignantly, the man said, "NO... I'm a lawyer."

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A cattle buyer was cruising down the Interstate at 90 MPH.  He noticed in his rear view mirror that a police cruiser, with red lights flashing, was rapidly gaining on him.  The cattle buyer floor-boarded his Lincoln and led the trooper on a 20 mile chase at speeds exceeding 120 MPH.  The trooper radioed ahead for a road block to stop the fleeing car.

Seeing the roadblock ahead and realizing the chase was over, the cattle buyer came to a stop.  His car was surrounded by law enforment officers with guns drawn and he was removed from the car and handcuffed. 

"Sir", the trooper said, "You're in serious trouble.  Is there a reason why you refused to stop?"

The cattle buyer said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop.  I was afraid you might be him...  And wanted to give her back."

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A cattle buyer applied for life insurance and the agent was completing the medical history portion of the application... 

The agent inquired, "Ever have an accident?"
The cattle buyer answered, "Nope."

"Not even one?" asked the agent incredulously. 
"Nope," the cattle buyer insisted.

The agent said, "I see a scar on your right hand.  How did that happen?"
The cattle buyer responded, "I was in an old scale house weighing some cattle and a rattlesnake bit me."

"And you don't call that an accident?" said the agent.
The cattle buyer answered, "Hell No... That damned snake bit me on purpose."

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A guy heard that a local cattle buyer had a blue heeler for sale that could talk.  Intrigued, he drove to the cattle buyer's house to investigate.  He was met at the yard gate by a blue heeler that said, "Howdy."

Astonished, the guy replied, "It's true... You can talk.  Tell me about yourself."

The blue heeler said, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I took a job with the cattle buyer working cattle, got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." 

The cattle buyer came out as the dog was telling his story.  When the dog finished, the guy asked the cattle buyer what the dog was worth. 

The cattle buyer said, "I'll be lucky if I can get $10 for him." 

The guy said, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth do you think he's only worth $10?" 

The cattle buyer replied, "Because the dog is a damned liar.  Just like now... He never worked for the CIA."

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The cattle buyer bought a little place to run a few cattle and horses, but mostly to have a place to get away on weekends.  For that reason, the place was 50 miles from the nearest town and 7 miles from the nearest neighbor.  One Saturday morning as he was driving around checking on things, he met his neighbor on the fence line.  They introduced themselves and visited for a while. 

As the neighbor was preparing to leave, he told the cattle buyer, "I'm having a little party at my place tonight.  I'd be pleased if you would come."  The cattle buyer said he would be there.

Then the neighbor said, "I guess I need to warn you.  There will be drugs, alcohol, and kinky sex.  Will that offend you?"

The cattle buyer said, "No, I don't think so.  I've been around.  By the way, how should I dress for this party?"

His neighbor replied, "Dress casual... It's just gonna be you and me."

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Three cattle buyers were killed in an auto accident and showed up at the Pearly Gates.  The angel on duty took one look at them and said, "Wait here.  I'll be right back."

The angel went to St. Peter's office and told him, "There's three cattle buyers at the Pearly Gates and I don't like the looks of them.  They must be here by mistake."

In an admonishing tone, St. Peter said, "You know better than to judge people by their looks.  Bring the cattle buyers to my office."

The angel returned in a few minutes by himself.  St. Peter said, "Where are the cattle buyers?"

The angel replied, "They're gone."  Astonished, St. Peter said, "The cattle buyers are gone?"

Yes, your Holiness... And so are the Pearly Gates!"

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A cattle buyer and an attorney were sitting next to each other at a bar.  They were  having a beer and watching the 6 o'clock news.  The top story was about a man threatening to jump from a bridge.

The attorney said to the cattle buyer, "I'll bet you $50 that guy jumps."
The cattle buyer replied, "Okay, you're on."

Sure enough, the man jumped and the cattle buyer tossed $50 onto the bar in front of the attorney.

The attorney looked at the money and said, "I can't take your money.  I watched the 5 o'clock news at my office and they ran this story."

The cattle buyer said, "Hell No... Take it.  Fair's fair.  I watched the 5 o'clock news here, but I sure didn't think that damned fool would jump again."

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A cattle buyer's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

She told the agent, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, so I'll be by to pick up the check."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied... "Then I'd like to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

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The cattle buyer drove over 50,000 miles per year, but the only time he spent in cities was on the Interstate as he was passing through.  When his son was 6, his wife insisted they go to the "City" to do some Christmas shopping.  At a mall, the cattle buyer and his son were amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The little boy asked his father, "What is that, Dad?"

The cattle buyer, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I don't know what it is."

While they were watching, an old lady with a cane slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them and into a small room. The walls closed and small circles of light, with numbers, lighted up above the wall. They continued to watch the circles light-up in the reverse direction, and then the walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The cattle buyer said... "Son, go get your mother."

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The cattle buyer received a DUI citation for drinking and driving and part of the sentence was having to take an alcohol awareness class. At the first class, the instructor wanted to exhibit the toxic nature of liquor, so he produced a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Observe," he told his class as he put a worm in the glass of water. The worm swam about freely and looked as happy as can be. He then put the second worm in the glass of whiskey and it to swam about for a moment, but then went into convulsions, and shortly sank to the bottom of the glass... Dead. 

"Now," the instructor asked the class, "What lesson can we learn from this experiment?" 

"That's easy," replied the cattle buyer... "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!" 

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A cattle buyer was scheduled to be out of town for several days but the deal fell through.  That night, he and his wife went to bed about 10:30 and the phone rang at midnight. 

The cattle buyer rolled over and answered... "Hello?" "What?" "How the hell should I know… I live in Amarillo." 

He hung up and told his wife, who was doing her best not to appear nervous…  “What an idiot… Damned fool wanted to know if the coast was clear!"

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At 3:00 A.M., an obviously inebriated cattle buyer called the motel front desk and asked what time the bar opens. 
"It opens at noon," answered the clerk. 

About an hour later, the cattle buyer called again, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asked. 
"Same time as before... Noon," replied the clerk. 

Another hour passed and the cattle buyer called again and slobbered, "What time joo shay the bar opens?" 
The clerk then answered, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." 

"No!! I don't wanna git in... I wanna git OUT!!!"

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An unemployed cattle buyer was in the welfare office to see if he could get an extension on his jobless benefits. He told his caseworker, “There hasn't been a day go by in the last 3 months that I haven’t been out looking for a job.” 

The caseworker replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just received a job listing from a very wealthy man who needs a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year."

After a brief moment of elation, reality sunk in and the cattle buyer said, "I think you’re feeding me a line of bull." 

The caseworker said… "Well, you started it."

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A cattle buyer went into an auto repair shop and told the parts manager that he'd lost the "seven-hundred-ten" on his Lincoln and needed a new one.

The man said, "I'm sorry, Sir, but I'm not familiar with a part called a 710.  What does it do?"

Incredulous, the cattle buyer said, "Hell, I don't know, but every engine has one.  You'd think a parts manager would know that."

The man took the cattle buyer into the shop, raised the hood on a car, and asked the cattle buyer to show him the 710.

The cattle buyer pointed and said, "Just like I told you... It's right there."

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A cattle buyer and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.  A waitress, taking an order at a nearby table, noticed the cattle buyer was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. 

Amazed, the waitress watched as the cattle buyer, slithering like a snake, slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.  Still, the woman appeared unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. 

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." 

The woman replied firmly, "No he didn't… My husband just walked in the door." 

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A successful businessman’s daughter married a cattle buyer and the father had a meeting with his new son-in-law.  "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man.  "To show how much we care for you, I've made you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The cattle buyer interrupted, "I hate factories.  I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law.  "Well, then you can work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the cattle buyer.  "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law.  "I just gave you half interest in a profitable business, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office.  What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the cattle buyer… "Buy me out."

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A doctor, a lawyer and a cattle buyer were using the restroom in a restaurant...

The doctor finished, washed his hands all the way up to his elbows, and then used about 10 paper towels before he finished.  He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and we were taught the importance of cleanliness."

The lawyer finished, quickly wet his fingers, and then used the blow dryer mounted on the wall.  "I graduated from Harvard and we were taught to conserve resources and to be environmentally conscious."

The cattle buyer finished and as he was walking out the door, he said…  "I went to the University of Wyoming and all of its graduates know how to use the restroom without getting it on their hands."

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A cattle buyer's wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. 

She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. 

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him. 

"Remember when your father caught us together when you were only 16?" the cattle buyer replied. "And remember he said I had two choices... I could either marry you or spend the next 20 years in prison." 

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember. So?" 

"I would have gotten out yesterday."

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A reporter was at a cattle auction getting background material for a feature on the cattle industry.  She noticed a buyer furiously bidding on the cattle in the ring and was struck by his appearance... Although he was now slightly bent and frail, she could tell he had once been a vibrant and powerful man.  The lines on his face showed decades of being in a tough business. She sat down beside him, introduced herself, and explained what she was doing.

"How long have you been buying cattle?"  she asked.

"For years, in fact, most of my life," responded the cattle buyer. 

"What's been the secret of your longevity?" she inquired.

"Living my life my way...  I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,"  he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and the only exercise I get is from chasing wild women." 

"That's amazing," the reporter said. "How old are you?"

The cattle buyer answered... "I'll be 27 next month." 

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"Did you follow my wife?"  the cattle buyer asked the private detective he had hired.

"Yes Sir, I did. I followed her to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant, and then to a motel." 

A big smile crossed the cattle buyer's face. "I've got her!" he said. "So there's no doubt what she was doing?" 

"No Sir," replied the detective... "It's pretty clear that she was following you."

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