The Cattle Range Home Page
Cattle Buyer Jokes...
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A priest was preparing a cattle buyer for his final journey... 

Whispering urgently, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know that you reject his evil!" 

The cattle buyer said nothing. 

The priest repeated his order. Still the cattle buyer said nothing. 

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" 

The cattle buyer said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!" 

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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to a woman he knew to be a local cattle buyer's wife kneeling at a grave. She was praying with profound intensity and kept repeating... "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" 

The man approached her and said, "Madam, you don't know me, but I was a friend of your husband.  When did he die?

Wiping tears from her eyes, she sobbed, "He didn't die." 

The man asked, "Well, for whom do you mourn so deeply?  A child?  A parent?" 

The woman took a moment to collect herself, then replied... "My husband's first wife." 

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The cattle buyer had been going day and night all fall.  In fact, he'd been so busy that he had completely neglected his wife for several months.  That's why he was so shocked when she informed him that she was pregnant.  Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. 

"Was it my friend Sam", he asked. 

"No !" his weeping wife replied. 

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked. 

"NO !!!" she said even more upset. 

"Well, which one of my no good friends did this then?" he demanded. 

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped. 

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A cattle buyer was checking into the hospital to undergo a minor surgical procedure.   The admissions clerk was filling out the admissions forms and was asking numerous questions about his health, medical history, and other personal information...

Finally, the clerk said, "Sir, this is the last question.  In the event of an emergency, who should we call?" 

After several seconds of deep thought, he repied... "911"

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After a disasterous night at the casino, the cattle buyer went up to the bar and ordered seven double shots of whiskey.  The bartender poured the drinks and then watched in amazement as the cattle buyer downed all seven drinks in a matter of seconds.

The bartender asked, "Hey buddy, what's the hurry?"

With his eyes still watering from his effort, the cattle buyer said, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."

With genuine concern, the bartender inquired, "What do you have?"

The cattle buyer swallowed hard, looked up and down the bar,  and then said... "A dollar."

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For the third time that month, the cattle buyer was checking into the motel near his home... 

The night clerk asked, "Trouble with your wife again, Jed?"

"Yeah, and it all started over one of her stupid questions," Jed replied. 

Curious, the clerk said, "What did she ask you?"

Jed said, "She asked me what was on the TV."

Intrigued as to how such an innocent question could start a fight, the clerk probed further, "What did you say?"

Jed answered... "Dust."

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The mayor was on his way home from work at City Hall when traffic came to a complete stop near the fairgrounds, where the state fair was taking place.  The mayor saw a State Trooper walking between the lines of cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the problem?" 

The trooper replied, "It's a cattle buyer, Sir. He's so depressed about the lack of respect he receives, and his life in general, that he stopped his car right outside the fairgrounds and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. The ranchers in the halted cars along the expressway are taking up a collection for him." 

"Oh really," replied the mayor, "How much have they collected so far?" 

"About 300 gallons," said the trooper... "But they're still siphoning." 

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After a disastrous year, the cattle buyer was going over his investments with a financial adviser...

The adviser said, "I see you bought $1,000 worth of Nortel stock and now it's worth $49.  You also bought Enron and your $1,000 is worth $16.50.  Your $1,000 investment in Worldcom has a value of $5." 

"If you had bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser last year, and I don't mean Budweiser stock, but good ol' Budweiser beer, drank the beer, turned in the bottles for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214 left from the $1,000 investment." 

"Based on your past performance, the best investment advice I can give you is to drink heavily and recycle."

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Last fall, the cattle buyer spent several weeks in the same motel while he was buying cattle.  The last week he was there, he managed to have an affair with the owners' daughter.  A year later, hoping to pick up where he'd left off, he returned to the same motel.  When he entered the lobby, there sat the girl with an infant on her lap. 

"Hello, Jack...  Would you like to meet your son?" she said. 

Flabbergasted, the cattle buyer said, "Why didn't you let me know?"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a cattle buyer."

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A cattle buyer was the defendant in a lawsuit over a cattle trade gone bad.  The lawsuit involved large sums of money and the worried cattle buyer was plotting different strategies to help his case. About a week before the trial, he called his lawyer and said, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!  I think I'll send the judge a case of whiskey." 

His lawyer shouted, "No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. At best, a dumb stunt like that would guarantee that you lose the case.  And he might hold you in contempt of court or even have you charged with attempted bribery." 

In the end, the judge decided in favor of the cattle buyer. Estatic over winning, he told his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the whiskey." 

Smugly, the lawyer said, "I'm sure we would have lost if you hadn't followed my advice and gone ahead and sent it."

"I did send it," replied the cattle buyer... "I just enclosed the plaintiff's business card." 

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Attempting to leave a crowded parking lot, the cattle buyer backed into a BMW with his pickup.  He got out to assess the damage and observed that in addition to crumpling the BMW's bumper and shattering the headlights, his trailer hitch had smashed the BMW's grill and put a 6 inch hole in the radiator. He also observed that several people in a nearby store were watching him, so he went to his pickup and wrote a short note and put it under the windshield wiper of the BMW.  Then he nonchalantly drove away.

An hour later, the BMW's owner returned to see that considerable damage had been done to his car. There was no sign of the offending vehicle, but he was relieved to see that a note had been left on his car. He got the note and read the following...

"Sorry about backing into your BMW.  The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address, phone number, insurance company, etc.  But I'm not."

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The cattle buyer was in a big financial trouble...  He had bought and contracted several thousand head of cattle thinking the market was headed up, and instead, it nosedived.  It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.  As a last resort, he went to see a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe. 

When he finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do... Put a beach chair and a Bible in your car and drive up in the mountains to the lake. Take the chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible... The wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer... That will tell you what to do." 

A year later the cattle buyer was back to see the priest. The cattle buyer was driving a new Lincoln and wearing a pair of high-dollar boots and an expensive felt hat. The cattle buyer pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket and gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for the advice. 

The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked. 

"Absolutely," replied the cattle buyer. 

"You went to the lake?" 

"Absolutely." 

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible on your lap?" 

"Absolutely." 

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?" 

"Absolutely." 

"And what were the first words you saw?" 

"Chapter 11." 

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The dean of admissions at a prestigious university's School of Agriculture was interviewing a prospective student... 

"What do you plan to do with a degee in agricultural economics and finance?" the dean asked. 

"I dream of making millions of dollars buying and trading cattle, like my father," the student replied. 

The dean was obviously impressed... "Your father made millions of dollars buying and trading cattle?" 

"No," replied the applicant... "But he always dreamed of it."

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It had been a tough fall for the cattle buyer.  It seemed to him that everything had worked against him... Including the cattle market and his bank.  He was so depressed and destressed that his wife insisted that he seek psychiactric help.  After an intial consultation, the cattle buyer was required to attend a joint session with two other patients.

"To help me determine your state of mind," said the psychiatrist to the group, "I'm going to start by asking each of you to answer a question."  To the woman in the group, he asked, "What is the opposite of sadness?"
After careful thought, she responded, "That would be joy."

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked a young man.
The young man pondered the question and then cautiously replied, "Elation."

"And you, Sir" the psychiatrist said to the cattle buyer, "How about the opposite of woe?" 
Wanting to exhibit his razor sharp mind, the cattle buyer answered decisively... "Any fool knows that it's giddy-up."

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It was sunup and the rancher and his crew were saddled up and ready to go when a pickup pulling a trailer came streaking down the road toward the pens.  "I was afraid of that," said the rancher.

"Afraid of what?" asked one of his neighbors who was there to help.

"That's Jack.  He's the guy who bought my cattle.  He told me that he might bring a young horse of his that needs riding, but I was hoping he wasn't serious," responded the rancher.

"What's the problem? We can use the help," answered his neighbor.

With a worried look on his face, the rancher said, "Obviously you don't know ol' Jack... When he rides up, it's like two good men riding off."

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A woman was driving on a mountain road when she hit an icy spot, slid off the road, and buried her car in a snowdrift. A cattle buyer came along and stopped to help.  After some shoveling, he was able to pull her car back onto the road. 

"I might have died up here if you hadn't come along.  Here's $100 for your help," gushed the grateful woman. 

"Shucks... I can't take your money.  I'm just glad I could help," drawled the cattle buyer.

The adventurous woman was not only grateful, but very attracted to the gallant and ruggedly handsome cattle buyer.  "If I can't show my appreciation with money, how about this?" she purred and began to seductively unbutton her coat and then her dress, exposing her curvaceous body clad in extremely scant and lacy undergarments.

The cattle buyer stared intently and then politely replied, "I guess I'll have to pass... I'd freeze to death up here wearing those things."

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A highway patrolman was monitoring traffic from an overpass when he noticed a car coming toward him that kept pulling over and stopping briefly on the shoulder of the road. After about 5 stops within a half-mile, the car finally passed under the overpass and then stopped again.  The patrolman pulled up behind the car to see if the driver was experiencing mechanical problems. The patrolman observed a cattle buyer drinking from a bottle wrapped in a brown paper sack.  He walked up to the driver's side of the car and motioned to the driver to roll down his window... 

"Good day, Sir," said the patrolman, "I need to see your driver's license and proof of insurance." 

As he examined the documents amidst the alcohol fumes coming from inside the car, the patrolman said, "Sir, it appears you're drinking and driving."

"Certainly not, Ossifer," the indignant cattle buyer replied... "I pull over and stop every time I take a drink.".

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Bart worked for a livestock commission company for several years and decided to go out on his own as an order buyer.  He rented a small office in his hometown and hung up a sign.  The first day, Bart saw a man about to enter his office and he decided to make a big impression. 

He picked up his phone and motioned the man in, all the while talking... "Hell No, I can't change the delivery date on those heifers.  I'm booked up solid next week receiving cattle.  And you tell that guy with the 2,000 steers that I can't go any higher.  That's all they're worth and the way the Board looks, they won't be worth that tomorrow.  And another thing... Call that trucking company and tell them if they want my business, they'll have to start being on time." 

This went on for almost five minutes.  Finally, Bart hung up the phone and turned to the man.  "Sorry for the delay... I'm busier than a goat at a Muslim convention.  What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company.  I'm here to hook up your phone."

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Two cattle buyers are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "I'd better head home before it gets too late. Whenever I go home late after I've been out drinking, I turn off the headlights and engine and coast into the driveway. I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" 

The other cattle buyer says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, and storm into the house.  Then I throw my boots onto the floor, jump into bed, belch a time or two for effect, slap her on the rear and say, 'I'm in the mood for lovin'...  And she always pretends she's sound asleep!"

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A cattle buyer stumbled out of a country bar a little after midnight and took a wrong turn.  Instead of heading for his car, he headed downhill towards the nearby creek.  About 50 feet before he got to the creek, he hit a lone standing tree head-on.  He got up, did a 360, and WHAM... he hit the tree again.  This happened 3 or 4 more times.  His nose was bleeding, one eye was swelling shut, and his face generally looked like he'd shaved with a rasp. 

In pain and frustration, he wailed mournfully to the moon, "Damn the luck... Promised the wife I wouldn't stay out too late and now I'm lost in a forest." 

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On a cold, stormy night, an airliner on a Trans-Atlantic flight developed engine problems.  The pilot announced that 3 engines had failed, that the plane was slowly losing altitude, and crashing into the ocean was inevitable. 

An attractive woman stood and said to the other passengers, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman!  Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman??" 

A cattle buyer stood up in the rear of the plane and replied, "I can make you feel like a woman." 
He slowly removed his shirt and then told her, "Here... Iron this."

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A cattle buyer was arguing with an Arab about the Middle East Crisis and the cattle buyer told a story... 

"Years before the Israelites came to the Promised Land and settled there, Moses led them for 40 years through the desert. When the Israelites became thirsty, lo and behold, miraculously a stream appeared. They drank their fill and then bathed in the stream. When Moses came out of the water, he found that all of his clothing was missing."

"Who took my clothes?" Moses asked those around him.
"It was the Palestinians," replied the Israelites.

"Wait a minute," objected the Arab... "There were no Palestinians during the time of Moses!"

"That's right," replied the cattle buyer... "Now what's your side of the argument?"

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A cattle buyer was receiving cattle in the country.  He got out of his car and headed for the scale house. Several horses were tied to the fence and as he walked behind the first horse, he slapped him on the rump.  The startled horse kicked the cattle buyer soundly on the leg, breaking it in several places.

The cattle buyer contacted his insurance company from the hospital and advised them of the incident.  About a week later, he was contacted by the insurance company... "Sir, your claim has been declined,"  said the insurance rep.

"Now wait one damned minute...  It was an accidental injury," exploded the cattle buyer.

The insurance rep calmly replied, "You got kicked by a horse because you surprised it.  That's something only a moron would do... And that's a pre-existing condition." 

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A cattle buyer was in a motel lounge and he started visiting with a salesman.  After their 6th drink, the saleman asked the cattle buyer, "You ever say one thing to someone when you meant to say something else?" 

"How do you mean?" replied the cattle buyer.

"Well, last week I was at the airport in Philadelphia and I needed to fly to Pittsburgh. The woman at the counter had these enormous breasts... So instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh, I asked for a picket to Tittsburgh." 

"I know exactly what you mean," said the cattle buyer. "Why just this morning, I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant to ask her to pass the the jelly.  But instead I said... You're ruining my life, you miserable wench!" 

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The livestock sale was over and a Highway Patrolman noticed that a big group of cattle buyers were congregating at a local bar.  He returned at closing time confident that he would make a bust.  Sure enough, when the bar closed, the cattle buyers started staggering outside to head home.

The patrolman's attention immediately focused on one particular cattle buyer who was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.  After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other cattle buyers left.  He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. Finally, when he was the last car, he started to drive away.

The patrolman swooped in and pulled the cattle buyer over. He administered a breathalyzer test and was astounded when the device registered a 0.00 reading. "This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the patrolman.

"I doubt it," said the cattle buyer... "It was my turn to be the Designated Decoy."

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A cattle buyer was standing in a teller line at the bank when the guy behind him started massaging his back. Startled, the cattle buyer whirled around and snarled, "Just what the Hell are you are doing?" 

"Well," said the guy, "I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I decided to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my profession!" 

"That's the dumbest damned thing I've ever heard!" the cattle buyer replied. "I'm a cattle buyer...  But you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me."

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A wealthy heiress married a cattle buyer and after several years of marriage, informed her attorney, “I want you to prepare a Will for me that leaves my entire fortune to my husband… but with the stipulation that he has to remarry within six months of my death.”

“Why such an odd stipulation?” asked the attorney.

The heiress replied, “I want someone to be sorry I died.”

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A volunteer for a local charity called on a prosperous cattle buyer in the hope of receiving a generous donation…  “Wouldn't you like to give back to your community by making a donation?" 

The cattle buyer thought for a moment and said,  "Do you know that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the volunteer mumbled, "Uh, no."

"Secondly, my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" 

The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology but is cut off…

"Thirdly, my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident", the cattle buyer’s voice rose in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?"

The humiliated volunteer, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea."

The cattle buyer then said… "If I don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"

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A policeman observed a cattle buyer stumble out of a bar and start staggering down the street.  The cattle buyer was obviously inebriated because he was trying to walk with one foot on the curb and the other in the street. 

The policeman pulled up beside the cattle buyer and said, "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to get into the car.  There's an ordinance against public drunkenness, but more importantly, you pose a threat to yourself and the public."

Leaning up against the police car, the cattle buyer asked, "Ossifer, are you sure I'm drunk?"

"Yes Sir, I'm positive," replied the cop after looking at the breathalyzer reading.

"Thank goodness," slobbered the cattle buyer... "I was afraid I'd become a cripple."

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A cattle buyer bought 100 head of steers that averaged right at $500 per head.  Part of the deal was that the rancher would haul them to the cattle buyer’s pens the next day. 

The rancher delivered the cattle and told the cattle buyer, “I’ve got some bad news.  There’s only 98 head on the truck.  Two head got struck by lightning last night.”

After a moment of deep thought, the cattle buyer said, “If I'm going to come out on this deal, I'm going to have make those dead steers bring something.  Would you haul them over here so I can raffle them off ?” 

Incredulous, the rancher said, “You can’t raffle off dead steers.”

“Sure I can… I just won’t tell anyone they’re dead,” said the cattle buyer.

A month later, the rancher saw the cattle buyer and asked, “What happened with the dead steers?"

“Just like I said… I raffled them off.  I sold 100 tickets for $20 each and made $930 on the deal,” smiled the cattle buyer.

“Didn’t anyone complain?” asked the rancher.

“Just the guy who won the raffle…  So I gave him his money back plus $50 for his trouble,” said the cattle buyer.

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A carload of cattle buyers were driving down a country road at a high rate of speed.  A tire blew out and the car careened off the road, went airborne, and struck a tree head-on.  A rancher, who was checking his cattle horseback, rode up to the scene of the accident.  After a quick assessment of the situation, he rode off and returned shortly on a tractor and proceeded to dig a hole and bury the cattle buyers.

A few days later, the local sheriff was out looking for the missing cattle buyers and saw the wrecked car.  He drove to the nearby ranch headquarters and asked the rancher if he knew where the cattle buyers had gone. The rancher told him that he had buried them.  Shocked, the sheriff asked the rancher, "They were ALL dead?" 

The rancher replied... "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how cattle buyers lie."

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A cattle buyer stumbled up to the bar where 3 bartenders were on duty.  He told one of them, "Give me a double shot of Wild Turkey and pour drinks for yourself and your buddies." 
When the cattle buyer got the tab for the drinks, he studied it nervously and finally said, "This could be a problem... I don't have any money on me." 

Disgusted, the bartenders slapped him around and threw him out the front door. 
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A week later, the cattle buyer was back... "Give me a double shot of Wild Turkey."
"Aren't you going to buy us one?" sneered the bartender.
"Hell No," said the cattle buyer, "You guys can't hold your liquor...  You get mean when you drink."

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A woman tells her shrink... "I have a dilemma. I'm engaged to be married, but I haven't been totally honest with my family about my fiancé.  I haven't told them that he was in a mental institution for 2 years, he's wanted in 3 states for selling child pornography and operating a prostitution ring, and he's a cattle buyer. Taking all of this into consideration, this is my question...  How do I tell my family that my fiancé is a cattle buyer?" 
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A cattle buyer and his wife spent the evening at a local nightclub.  On his way home, he is pulled over by a policeman...

"Sir," the cop said to the cattle buyer, "I've been following you ever since you pulled out of the nightclub's parking lot.  Is it possible that you've had a little too much to drink?"

"Not just No, but Hell No..." responded the cattle buyer.

"Did you know," said the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Ossifer, I'm glad to hear that." slurred the cattle buyer, "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

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A teacher, a thief, and a cattle buyer all die in the same freak accident.  When they reach the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that each prospective entrant has to answer a question correctly before being granted admission. 

The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks... “Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?” 
“That one's easy,” said the teacher, “The Titanic.”  “That's correct,” said St.Peter, “you may pass.”

Then the thief got his question... “How many died on the Titanic?” 
The thief replied, “Fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1,500 people.”  And so he passed through. 

Last, St. Peter gave the cattle buyer his question... “Name them.”

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A doctor and a cattle buyer had a collision on a country road. The cattle buyer, seeing that the doctor was shaken up, helped him from his car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.  The doctor took a long pull on the flask and handed it back to the cattle buyer, who closed it and put it back in his pocket.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure... After the police leave," replied the cattle buyer. 

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An old cattle buyer was on his death bed and he was obsessed with taking some of his money with him. He called his minister, his lawyer, and his partner to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I'm trusting you to put the money in my coffin."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.  As they drove to the cemetery, the minister suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "My envelope only had $20,000 in it because the Church needs $10,000 for roof repair."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the lawyer, "I only put $10,000 in my envelope. I provide free legal services to an orphanage that will soon have to close unless it raises $20,000." 

"I'm ashamed of both of you," said the cattle buyer... "I want it known that I put a check in my envelope for the full $30,000."

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A man telephoned the cattle buyer's office and said, "I want to speak to Tex." 
The secretary repled, "I'm sorry, but he died last week."

The next day the same man phoned again and asked the same question. 
The secretary replied, "I told you yesterday... Tex died last week." 

The third day, the man called again and once again asked to speak to Tex. 
The secretary was getting annoyed and said, "I keep telling you that Tex died last week... Why do you keep calling?" 

The man said, "Because I just love hearing it." 

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Satan appeared before a cattle buyer and made him an offer...

"I can make some changes in your life," Satan said. "I'll increase your income five-fold, your friends' wives will find you to be irresistible, your customers will respect you, you'll have four months of vacation each year, and you'll live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls must suffer in Hell for eternity."

The cattle buyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?" 

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The cattle buyer had made a lot of money over the years from his shrewd cattle trades.  He bought a big ranch and hired a Mexican crew to go around the fences.  He loaded the crew foreman into his pickup to show him around. 

The Mexican asked him how big the ranch was, and with obvious pride, the cattle buyer said, "You can get in this pickup, drive for 2 hours, and still not get to the backside of my ranch."

The Mexican said, "I understand, Senor... I used to have a pickup like that."

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The rancher really disliked cattle buyers... One day as he was driving to town, he saw his minister at the side of the road next to a broken down car. The rancher pulled over and gave the minister a ride. A few miles down the road, the rancher saw a cattle buyer, who's car had also broken down, walking along the side of the road.

Instead of slowing to pick him up, the rancher speeded up and steered to the side of the road so he would hit the cattle buyer.  At the last moment, he remembered that the minister was with him, so he swerved back onto the road, but he still felt and heard a bump. 

The rancher said, "Reverend, I am so sorry!'' 

"It's okay," said the Reverend, " I saw that you were going to miss him, so I got him with the door!" 

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Two mountain lions were trotting down the trail.  Every time they came to a pile of elk droppings, the first lion would stop and eat a mouthful.  Finally, in disgust, the second lion asked the first lion "Why do you keep doing that?"  The first lion replied, "Well, I ate a cattle buyer yesterday and I can't get the taste out of my mouth."
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Rex was a cattle buyer and he decided that since he wore boots and a Stetson all the time, he should own a horse.  He heard about an old Mexican man who had a horse for sale and gave him a call.  The old man said the horse was well broken,  gentle enough for his grandchildren to ride, and that he wanted $250 for him.   Suspiciously, Rex said, "$250 isn't much for that kind of horse.  What's wrong with him?"  The old man said, "He don't look so good."

Because the price was right, Rex decided to go over and take a look at the horse.  The old Mexican man took him out to the corral and there was a teenage granddaughter leading a good-looking bay gelding around  with a piece of baler twine and 3 little kids on his back.  Rex had seen enough... he slapped leather, peeled off $250 in cash before the old man could raise the price, and included $20 extra for delivery.

The next morning, the gelding was in his corral. He went out, saddled him up, and rode down to the creek... where the bay immediately walked off the creek bank.  As they fell 5 feet into the water, Rex bailed off and watched in dismay as the horse got up, ran down the creek until he bounced off a big boulder, took a left and hit a tree dead-on and then stood there, shaking.  The cattle buyer realized the horse was blind.  He led the horse home, unsaddled him, went to the house and immediately called the old Mexican man.  "Why didn't you tell me that the horse was blind?" he demanded.  The old man said, "I did, Senor.  I told you he don't look so good."

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Hank spent his entire life ranching.  He worked hard and was a good husband and father.  When he passed on, St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates and congratulated him on his honorable and productive life.  As a reward, St. Peter took him to a ranch in Heaven and told Hank it was his for eternity.  It was the best ranch Hank had ever seen... good grass, lots of water, nice home, barns, corrals and stocked with good cattle, horses, and equipment.

One fall afternoon, St. Peter noticed Hank was in town and he could tell something was wrong.  He caught up with Hank and asked him if he had a problem.  Hank replied, "I sure do... It's time to sell my calves, but I've looked all over up here and I can't find a single cattle buyer."

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A prosperous cattle buyer was summoned to his attorney's office...

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said. 
"Give me the bad news first." said the cattle buyer.
"Your wife found a picture worth a million dollars." said the lawyer.
"That's the bad news?" laughed the cattle buyer. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news." 
The lawyer replied, "Oh, I think you can... the terrible news is that the picture is of you and your secretary!"

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Two cattle buyers are out in the woods hunting deer when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other cattle buyer whips out his cell phone and calls 911. 

He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead!  What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says, “Just take it easy… I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead.” 
There is silence... then a shot is heard. The cattle buyer says, “OK, now what?”

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