|After a particularly
intense fight caused by Bart forgettiing their wedding anniversary for
the 3rd time in 5 years, his wife cried out in total frustration,
"Why is it so
hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?"
"That's no mystery"
Bart snorted. "Guys like that already have boyfriends."
|The court was
listening to the testimony of Bart's wife, who was seeking a divorce.
"Tell me explicitly,"
the judge directed the woman, "What fault you have found with your husband."
The wife was
explicit, "He's a liar, a brute, a thief, and a brainless fool!"
the judge remonstrated. "I suspect you would find difficulty in proving
was her retort. "Everybody knows it."
"If you knew
it," his honor demanded sarcastically, "Why did you marry him?"
"I didn't know
it before I married him."
take anymore and interrupted angrily, "She did too," he shouted. "She did
of Employment, Division of Labor Standards received a complaint that Bart
was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate
In a demanding
tone, the agent said, "I need a list of your employees and how much you
"Well, there's two hired hands I pay $250 a week plus free room and board.
Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every
day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about
$10 per week and pays his own room and board. I do buy him a bottle
of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life and he gets to
sleep with my wife occasionally.
Sensing an opportunity
to assess a big fine, the agent said, "That's the guy I want to talk to...
The mentally challenged one."
"That would be me."
was suspicious that Bart was wandering again and decided to conduct a test.
At 2 o'clock in the morning, she suddenly sat up in bed and yelled, "Oh
No -- My husband's home -- RUN for your life."
out of bed, leaped out a closed window, and along with broken glass, crashed
into the ground. Within a nano-second, he vaulted to his feet and
as he gained speed, he smashed through a thorny hedge and then sprinted
into the darkness and out of sight.
About 5 minutes
later, bleeding and gasping for breath, he stormed into the bedroom and
screamed at his wife, "I AM your husband."
"We both know
that," she answered icily. "But what I'd like to know is why you
ran like a rabbit chased by a pack of coyotes."
in a hospital bed in a body cast from head to toe. His associate,
Jack, stood gravely at the foot of the bed.
"You don't remember?"
asked Jack. "After we received those cattle and got the trucks on
the road, we ended up at a party at the hotel. We had a few beers
-- Well, more than a few. Anyway, by 2:00 AM, you were standing on
a 3rd floor balcony rail proclaiming you were going to fly around the building."
my best friend! Why didn't you stop me?" whined Bart.
"Well, you see,"
said Jack, "At the time, I thought you could do it."
several hours in one of his branch offices, Bart crossed the street to
visit another of his favorite establishments. As he entered, he was
feeling extremely attractive and charming and his gaze immediately locked
onto an attractive woman sitting alone at the bar. He slithered up
behind her, tapped her on the shoulder, and when she turned, he kissed
She stared at
him with a look of shock and astonishment and Bart said, "Sorry about that,
Darlin', I thought you were my wife."
Over the shock,
the woman responded with anger and contempt, "You low-life -- Get away
Not the least
bit deterred, Bart purred, "That's amazing. You sound just like her too."
|When Bart got
home, he found his wife engrossed in reading the newspaper.
"What's so interesting?"
Bart asked, slightly annoyed at her lack of attention to him.
a poll of 2,500 local women and what they most want in life," his wife
the paper out of her hands and began speed-reading through the article.
"What are you
doing?" his wife demanded.
Bart answered, "What do you think I'm doing? I'm making sure they spelled
my name right."
|On a dark night,
Bart stumbled out of a country bar a little after midnight and took a wrong
turn. Instead of going to his car, he headed downhill towards the
nearby creek. About 50 feet before he got to the creek, he hit a
lone standing tree head-on. He got up, did a 360, and WHAM -- He
hit the tree again. This happened 3 or 4 more times. His nose
was bleeding, one eye was swelling shut, and his face generally looked
like he'd shaved with a rasp.
In pain and
frustration, he wailed mournfully, "Damn the luck -- Promised the wife
I'd be home early and now I'm lost in a forest."
with some guys with money to lease and stock a ranch. Bart's contribution
to the deal was his "expertise" and he hired a Mexican crew to go around
the fences. He loaded the crew foreman into his pickup to show him
asked how big the ranch was, and in a boastful tone, Bart answered, "Amigo,
you can drive this pickup for an hour and still not make it to the backside
of the ranch."
said, "I understand, Senor -- I used to have a pickup like that."
|At 1:30 AM,
Bart was headed home from one of his patented "business meetings" and was
stopped by a policeman for failing to signal a lane change.
said, "Sir, I'm going to let you off with a warning. By the way --
are you going at this time of the night?"
Bart said, “I
am going to attend a lecture about alcohol abuse and consorting with wild
women and the detrimental effects they have on marriages”.
asked, “Really? Who's giving that lecture this late?”
Matter of factly,
Bart replied, “My wife.”
misjudged the market, contracted several thousand calves way too high,
and was now completely broke. Taking pity on him, a local rancher
hired him as a ranch hand to give him a chance to get back on his feet.
asked, "Do you have a saddle?"
"No, I had to sell about everything I owned."
Taking him out
to the tack room, the rancher said, "Here's a saddle you can use.
You'll be doctoring calves in the pasture, so you'll need a rope.
Get one from those hanging over there on the wall."
Trying to appear
knowledgeable, Bart carefully examined several ropes before choosing one,
and then asked, "What are you using for bait?"
conclusion of the special feeder cattle sale, Bart and several of his associates
regrouped at a local tavern to exchange insults, exaggerations, and lies.
When the waitress
came to the table to take their orders, Bart said, "I'll have a Bin Laden
fate, the waitress looked tiredly at the ceiling and said, "OK Bart - I'll
play your little game. What is a Bin Laden Special?"
its real simple," Bart said. "It's two shots and a splash of water."
with another cattle buyer on a big deal, and when the deal closed, they
took their wives out to dinner to celebrate. The other cattle buyer
noticed that each time Bart spoke to his wife, he addressed her with terms
of endearment such as "Darlin", "Sweetheart", "Honey", etc.
When the wives
were away from the table, the other cattle buyer remarked that it was really
nice that after all of the years or marriage, Bart still called her the
little pet names.
to make sure no one was listening, Bart responded, "She seems to like it,
but actually the reason is that I keep forgetting her name."
machine at Bart's house had a meltdown and his wife replaced it with a
new washer/dryer combination leaving them with a dryer still in good working
condition. Bart asked his wife, "What are you going to do with the old
"I'm going to put a sign on it saying 'In Good Working Condition - Take
It If You Need It' and set it out on the lawn next to the street.
There's bound to be a young couple just starting out that can use it."
However, a week
later the dryer was still out on the lawn and Bart decided it was time
for him to work his magic. He told his wife, "Twenty years of tradin'
cattle has taught me all there is to know about people and marketing.
Asking nothing for something tells people it's worth nothing. Watch
the master and learn."
to change the sign to read, "Outstanding Dryer with Lots of Years of Dependable
Service Remaining. ONLY $99.95"
When he got
home that evening, he noticed the dryer was gone so he entered the house
and triumphantly asked his wife, "Who's the best and why am I ? Tradin'
dryers is no different than tradin' cattle. How much did you get
for it ?"
With a smirk
on her face, she said, "Nothing."
"What did you do? Give it away when you had a cash customer?"
Trying her best
not to laugh, she answered, "I have to hand it to you, Bart -- You really
know people and marketing. Someone stole it."
|Bart had a
falling-out with the insurance company that carried his livestock bond
and was filling out an application for a bond with a different company.
One section on the application asked:
Have you been
convicted of a felony? There was a box labeled "NO" followed by a
box labeled "Yes" with an area labeled "Why" to provide details in the
event the applicant had been convicted of a felony.
"NO", and then in the "Why" section below the "Yes" box, answered honestly:
into a jewelry store on a Friday evening with an attractive blonde at his
side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his companion.
looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. Shaking his
head, Bart said, "I'd like to see something more special."
With $$$$ in
his eyes, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring
over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said.
eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Smiling
fondly at the blonde, Bart said decisively, "We'll take it."
asked how payment would be made and Bart stated, "By check. I know you
need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call
the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pickup the ring
On Monday morning,
the jeweler phoned Bart and nervously said, "Sir, your bank just advised
me there are insufficient funds in your account to cover your check."
"Yeah, I know,"
said Bart, "But I had a real good weekend."
|Bart woke up
with the realization it was his birthday. He headed downstairs for
breakfast hoping his wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday” and
possibly have a gift for him. As it turned out, she was getting ready to
leave and only said, “Jane called yesterday and needs you to be at her
office this afternoon at 4:30 with your records so she can get your bond
Jane was one
of Bart’s wife’s best friends and owned the insurance agency that handled
Bart’s bond. Promptly at 4:30, Bart was there with a couple of boot
boxes stuffed with his records from last year. Jane sorted through
the contents, asked a few questions, and then said, “I’ll look this over
tomorrow and call if I have any more questions. I noticed today’s
your birthday and it’s about quitting time. Let’s go have a drink.”
They had a couple
of drinks and on the way back to her office, Jane told Bart that she needed
to stop by her house. When they arrived, she invited him in and said,
“I need to go into the bedroom for just a moment. Make yourself comfortable.”
She went into
the bedroom, and after a couple of minutes, came out carrying a huge birthday
cake. She was followed by his wife and dozens of his friends all
singing “Happy Birthday.”
Bart broke into
tears as he sat on the couch in his underwear.
|The sale was
over and Bart and his associates congregated at a nearby watering hole.
They slid some tables together and it was bedlam with people coming and
going and all talking at the same time. A cell phone rang and Bart
snatched it up, engaged the hands-free speaker-function and answered. Everyone
at the table stopped talking to listen.
it's me. Is the sale over?"
at the mall and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Can
I buy it?"
Go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also
stopped by the Mercedes dealership. I saw one I really liked."
Bart: "How much?"
Bart: "OK, but
for that price I want it with all the options."
Oh, and one more thing... The house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking $700,000."
then go ahead and give them an offer, but only for $650,000."
I'll see you later! I love you!"
I love you, too."
Bart ended the
call and there was complete silence as everyone stared at him with astonishment
and awe. Bart held up the phone and innocently asked. “Anyone know whose
phone this is?”
|At 1:00, the
auctioneer announced they were going to run dairy cattle for about an hour.
Bart and several of his associates took advantage of the opportunity to
eat lunch in the sale ring’s café. One of the guys mentioned
that his wedding anniversary was rapidly approaching and he was under intense
pressure to get the right gift, since he forgot it last year.
his anniversary reminded him of something and he said, “As I recall, Bart,
your anniversary is this month too. You gonna do anything special?”
With a far away
look in his eyes, Bart replied, “Two years ago, I took my wife out
to Las Vegas. I’m thinking this year I might go back and get her.”
|Bart was at
one of his branch offices, this one more commonly know as the “No Dogs
Allowed Inn” when a guy stormed in, sat down next to him, and said, “I
want some of my money back on that load of steers I bought from you on
the guy a moment and asked, “Was the head count wrong or were some of them
sick coming off the truck?”
“No,” the guy
“Are any of them blind, crippled, or locoed?”
the guy said, “NO – They’re healthy and doing fine.”
Bart said. “What’s the problem?”
the guy answered, “They’re telling me that some of them don’t have enough
frame to gain well, the shrink should have been 3% instead of 2%, and the
slide should have been higher on the deal.”
his drink and fired up a Marlboro, before responding, “You came out and
looked at those steers. They were in a 40 acre trap and you saw every
one of them. As for the shrink and slide, I always try to make the
best deal for myself as I can because I assume the other guy is trying
to do the same. Your signed contract is on my dashboard. If
you’re going to be in the cattle business, you need to learn that just
because you got out-traded, you weren’t cheated.”
|During a lull in the action while
the ring was emptied of cattle and the next group brought in, the auctioneer
read from a note he had just received, "Hey guys, a gentleman lost his
wallet and is offering a $2,000 reward if you find it."
Bart immediately deduced there must
be a wad of cash in the lost wallet and he began frantically waving at
the auctioneer who asked, "Did you find it, Bart?"
"Nope" Bart said. "I'm bidding
viewed it as an occupational hazard, his recent DWI had been a major inconvenience.
In addition to a 30 day suspension of his driver’s license and a significant
fine, he also had to complete a Substance Abuse course, including passing
a final exam.
Only a few minutes
into the test, Bart realized that he should have studied a little more.
Decades of playing high-stakes poker and making high-pressure cattle trades
had conditioned him not to panic. He shrewdly attached a $100 bill to the
back of his test with a note reading, “$1 per point” and with a knowing
wink to the instructor, confidently handed in his test.
A week later,
Bart received the test results in the mail. He tore open the envelope
and found his test results and $61.00 in cash.
|Bart was explaining his 'Buffalo
Theory' to a young cattle buyer. "You see, Chad, it's like this --
A buffalo herd can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the
herd is attacked by predators, it's the slowest and weakest ones at the
back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd
as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members."
He took several sips of his beverage,
primarily Jack Daniels, before continuing, "In much the same way, the human
brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake
of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the
slowest and weakest brain cells first. So, consuming copious amounts
of alcohol on a regular basis eliminates the weaker brain cells, making
the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's how I've been able
to keep myself so savvy and sharp."
|Bart was receiving cattle several
hundred miles from home and was in the motel lounge the night before.
He couldn’t help but notice an attractive woman sitting alone at the end
of the bar.
He slithered over, sat down next to
her, and suavely asked, “Where have you been all my life?"
"Well," she said, "For the first half
of it, I wasn't even born."
|With a whip in one hand and a hot-shot
in the other, Bart was trying to get some yearlings to load onto the scale.
Having had enough, an 800 lb. steer turned and ran over Bart. The
other 21 head did the same, leaving Bart somewhat tamped into the ground.
Several cowboys helped him up and Bart immediately began complaining loudly
that he hurt every place he touched. They rushed Bart to the emergency
room where he was examined by a doctor.
“Doc, I’m hurt bad. No matter
where I touch, the pain is terrible.” To prove his point, Bart touched
his left arm and squealed in pain. Then he touched his right knee
and the sharp intake of breath left no doubt that the pain was intense.
Baffled, the doctor ordered x-rays.
After looking at the x-rays, the doctor returned to the examination room
where Bart was anxiously awaiting the results.
The doctor said, “Bart, you’re going
to need surgery.”
“Oh my gawd,” Bart whimpered.
“Am I going to make it, Doc?”
“I think so,” said the doctor.
“You have a severely broken finger.”
|Bart promised his wife he would be
home from a sale 30 miles away in time to go to her office Christmas party.
However, he managed to stumble in after midnight and this led to a huge
argument. They ended up not talking to each other for days.
Finally, on the 6th day, Bart asked her where one of his shirts was.
"Oh," she said, "So now you're speaking
Confused, Bart asked, "What are you
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken
to you for six days?" she challenged.
"No," he said sincerely, "I just thought
we were finally getting along."
|Bart had been on the road for 2 weeks
finishing the fall run and when he got home, he made dinner reservations
at a fine restaurant for his wife and himself. When he went to see
why his wife was taking so long getting ready, he found her standing in
front of a full-length mirror in the bedroom.
“Bart, I look fat, ugly, and old.
Everything is going wrong with my body” she stated matter of factually.
Now, if there is anything Bart knows
better than cattle and the cattle market, it is women. He instinctually
realized she was expecting a compliment and the evening would be a living
Hell if he failed to deliver.
“Darlin’, that’s just not true,” he
said in his most soothing tone. “Why, your eyesight is still darned
|Late one evening, Bart heard some
strange noises outside. He peered out the back door and saw 2 or
3 guy stealing things out of his barn.
He phoned the police and was asked,
"Have they made an attempt to enter your house?"
Slightly miffed by the question, Bart
replied, "No -- But they haven't emptied the barn yet."
The dispatcher said all patrols were
busy, but she would send the first one that was available.
Bart waited a minute and called the
police again, "I called you a minute ago because there were people in my
barn. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot
all the SOB's!" Then he hung up.
Within five minutes, 3 police cars,
a Swat team, and 2 ambulances showed up at Bart's and caught the burglars
Accusingly, the officer in charge
said to Bart, "I thought you told the dispatcher you shot them."
Unconcerned, Bart replied, "I thought
she said there weren't any units available."
|As usual, Bart was running late.
He was speeding down a country road, and when he came to an intersection
with a STOP sign, he slowed down to check for traffic and then accelerated
through the intersection. Unfortunately, the time-saving technique
was witnessed by a deputy sheriff who pulled Bart over.
After checking Bart's license, registration,
and proof of insurance, the deputy said, "Sir, I'm going to issue you a
citation for failure to stop."
Exasperated, Bart snarled, "Look here,
Officer -- We're the only ones around for miles. I slowed down enough
to see no traffic was coming. You need to use some common sense."
Without a word, the officer whacked
Bart's head three times in quick succession with his night stick and then
said, "Sir, let me test your common sense -- Should I slow down or stop?"
|Todd hung up the phone and told his
friend, “He got me again. That was the feedyard -- The “Angus &
Black Baldy” steers I bought from Bart got there and they’re every color
in the spectrum and every breed known to mankind including a healthy dose
of what they’re guessing might be polled Longhorns. I’m gonna kill
Bart when I find him.”
His friend laughed and said, “You
know you won’t stay mad at ol’ Bart. Tell me this – If you only had
2 rounds in your gun and you went into a room and there was a rattlesnake,
Osama bin Laden, and Bart, what would you do?”
“That’s easy,” Todd said without hesitation,
“I’d shoot Bart twice.”
|Out of the blue, an old girlfriend
Bart hadn't seen for years called him.
After they had visited a while, she
said, "I'd love to see you, Bart. Do you ever get down this way anymore?"
"Well, darlin', you're in luck," Bart
"I have to look at some cattle down that way next week. But you have
to realize I'm a little grayer than the last time you saw me and I've put
on about 15 pounds."
With a girlish laugh, she said, "That's
not so bad. I've gained a lot more than that."
Bart hung up the phone.
|Bart completed a 6 hour business
meeting at one of his branch offices, this one more commonly known as The
Last Chance Bar & Grill.
When he got in his car to start home,
he was astounded at what he found. He called the police department,
and with a tone of fury combined with indignation, he yelled, "My Lincoln
has been vandalized. They stole the dashboard, the steering wheel,
the brake pedal, even the accelerator !!!"
However, before a unit could be dispatched
to the crime scene, the phone rang a second time at the police department
and Bart was on the line.
"Never mind about that vandalism report,"
he said, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
|The farther south Bart drove, the
more worried he became. He sold 1,000 Mexican steers to a feedyard
and they insisted he had to be at the border when the cattle were crossed.
His concern was that with all of the recent border violence, combined with
his innate ability to be at the wrong spot at the right time for a disaster,
it was likely something really bad was going to happen to him.
By the time he reached the border
town, Bart was as nervous as a deer on a firing range. With his survival
instincts at a fever pitch, he astutely checked into a motel with an adjoining
restaurant that was farthermost from the border. And with a bunker
mentality that rivaled Hitler's, Bart vowed that after he had dinner, he
was going to seclude himself in his room for the night. While eating,
he struck up a conversation with a guy at the next table.
"You ever think about moving to a
safer place to live?" Bart asked.
The man replied, "A lot of what you
see on the news is exaggeration. It's just not that bad down here.
My wife and I live in a nice neighborhood, our kids go to excellent schools,
and we have good jobs."
Greatly relieved, Bart asked, "What
do you do here?"
The guy answered, "I'm the tail gunner
on a Budweiser truck."
of marriage filled with constant strife, Bart's wife decided the only way
to save their marriage was to try counseling. When they arrived at the
counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor
for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?"
blankly at the picture on the opposite wall while his wife began talking
90 miles an hour describing all of his transgressions and faults. After
15 minutes of listening, the counselor went over to her, picked her up
by her shoulders, kissed her passionately, and sat her back down.
She was speechless.
counselor looked over at Bart and said, "Your wife NEEDS ROMANCE at least
twice a week!"
immediately... "I can have her here on Mondays and Thursdays."
|Bart was receiving
cattle, and the night before delivery, he drove to the small town and got
a motel room so he could be at the pens early the next morning. After dinner,
he found himself in the motel lounge where a man was shooting pool by himself.
Now, Bart had spent several decades honing his bar room pool-shooting skills
and not one to squander an opportunity, he slithered over and asked the
man if he would like some competition. The man agreed and they played two
games, each winning a game.
Bart said, "Looks
like we're about evenly matched. Would you like to make it interesting?
Say the best 2 out of 3 for $50.00."
The man agreed
and when Bart let him have the break, the man missed on his third shot.
As Bart deftly chalked his cue stick, he surveyed the table. He then
ran the table, broke on the second game, and ran the table again.
As Bart was
pocketing the $50, he asked, "What do you do around here?"
The man replied
he was the priest at the local Catholic church.
Even Bart was
flustered by the answer and he mumbled a half-hearted offer to return his
The priest said,
"No -- You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep
your winnings. But if you're not feeling good about yourself, you
could come to church on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want
to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."
|A cowboy lay
sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theatre. When the usher came
by and noticed this, he whispered, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed
The man didn't
budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from
there, I'm going to have to call the manager." No response.
The usher left
and shortly returned with the manager. Together, they tried to move him,
but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed
the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"
"Where ya from,
With pain in
his voice, Bart replied, "The balcony."
had experienced more close calls than the average man, he spent a lot more
time reflecting on his mortality. In one of these moments, he said
to his wife, "Darlin', if I die, I'm guessing you'll remarry and that's
OK. But promise me you'll sell all of my possessions first.
I can't stand the thought of some other jerk using my things."
With a steely
look in her eyes, she responded, "What makes you think I'll marry another
|Bart was trying
to reassure an irate rancher from whom he had bought several loads of cattle
the previous week.
completely, Mr. Jones,” Bart purred. “I’d be a little riled too if I got
a check back for over $100,000 marked Insufficient Funds. First thing
Monday morning, I’ll wire that money to you. But it wasn’t my account
that was short. You know how this economy is. -- It was the bank
that had Insufficient Funds.”
|Bart had been
slipping in and out of a coma for several days. Things looked grim, but
his wife was by his bedside every single day. One day, as he slipped back
into consciousness, Bart motioned for her to come nearer. She pulled the
chair up to the bed and leaned closer to be able to hear him.
"You know" he
whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "You've been with me through all
the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. Every time
I went broke, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there.
When I got shot, you stuck with me. And now with my health problems, you
are still by my side. And you know what?"
she asked gently, smiling to herself.
you're bad luck."
|Bart was going
to look at a big string of yearlings and was flying low down an unfenced
country road when he came onto a group of cattle crossing the road.
Despite his best efforts, he ran over a heifer calf. The damage to
his car was negligible but the calf was obviously dead.
The owner drove
up, looked the situation over, and said, "Mister, looks like you just bought
a heifer calf."
for the mishap and asked, "How much was she worth?"
she was worth about $300.00, but she was a really good heifer and I would
have kept her as a replacement heifer. Two years from now, she'd
be worth all of $1,200.00."
Bart was running
late and didn't want lose more time arguing, so he made out a check for
$1,200.00 and gave it to the rancher.
After Bart had
sped away, the rancher noticed the check was post dated for 2 years.
|On a hot summer
afternoon, Bart was putting out salt blocks on a place he had leased near
town. He pulled up to a pond and immediately noticed a nearby tree draped
with feminine clothing and four college-age girls taking a swim.
One of the girls
shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
“I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of
the pond -- I just came by to feed my alligators.”
into his favorite bar and ordered a drink. The bartender noticed Bart kept
looking over his shoulder and appeared to be nervous, so he asked him if
anything was wrong.
"I'm a little
stressed," Bart admitted. "Actually, I'm scared out of my mind -- Some
ticked-off husband put a note in my pickup and said he would kill me if
I didn't stop messing around with his wife."
"So stop," the
"How can I ?"
Bart asked, totally frustrated. "The fool didn't sign his name !!!"
|The years had
passed by and it was time for the cattle buyer to send his son off to college.
He told the boy, "Son, you can take the old blue pickup. Its not
fancy, but its dependable. And take ol' Jake... That crazy dog will
keep you company. He's always in my way and follows me everywhere
I go, even when I go to town."
His son took
to college life like a duck to water. Within 45 days, he had partied
away all the money that was supposed to last the whole semester.
In a bind, the boy called his cattle buyer... "Dad, you won't believe this.
One of my professors says Jake is so smart that he can teach him to talk.
But it will cost $1,000.00 for his time.
Being as astute
businessman, the cattle buyer quickly grasped the fact that a dog that
could talk would be worth $millions. "Son, I'll send you a check
month and a lot of partying, the boy was broke again. So he called
the cattle buyer, "Dad, that professor has Jake talking like he's been
doing it all his life. And get this... For another $1,000, the professor
thinks he can teach him to read."
Now, a dog that
can talk and read if worth a lot more than a dog that can just talk and
the cattle buyer realized this. "Son, I'll send you another check
By the time
the boy had blown the $1,000, it was time for the Thanksgiving break, so
with a lot of misgivings, he started home. About 100 miles from the
house, his fertile mind came up with a strategy that he hoped would save
He called his
dad from his cell phone... "Dad, Jake and I are a couple of hours away.
But there's a problem... As we were going down the road, out of the blue,
Ol' Jake looked up from the newspaper he was reading and told me he was
really going to be glad to get home so he could tell Mom about all those
other women he's seen you with."
There was a
moment of dead silence and then the cattle buyer said, "Son, you listen
to me and do exactly what I tell you... Pull over, throw that dog out of
the pickup, and you shoot that lying SOB."
|A cattle buyer
was driving across a high bridge in Texas. As he neared the middle
of the bridge, he noticed a young man climb onto the railing getting ready
The cattle buyer
screeched to a halt, rolled down his window and said, "Hey buddy
- Don't jump. It can't be that bad."
The guy said,
"Its that bad."
In the soothing
tone he normally reserved for trying to buy yearlings for $5 under the
market from grieving widows , the cattle buyer said, "Think of your wife
The guy replied,
"I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
said the cattle buyer, "Think about your poor mother and your dad."
young man said, "Mom and Dad are both dead. I'm going to jump."
cattle buyer blurted out, "Well, think of the Alamo."
The guy replied,
''What's the Alamo?''
Yankee," snorted the cattle buyer... "Go ahead and jump."
|A cattle buyer
went into a jewelry store and bought an expensive locket as a birthday
present for his girlfriend.
"Do you want
her name engraved upon it ?" asked the jeweler.
The cattle buyer
thought for a moment and replied, "No name, but engrave ~To My One And
Only Love~ on it. Sooner or later, we'll break up and there's
a good chance she'll be so mad that she will throw everything at me that
I ever gave her. And if she does, I can use it again."
Slim was a cattle buyer didn't mean he wasn't a good Christian. In
fact, Slim rarely missed going to Church. His church had a gossip,
Bertha, who was the self-appointed monitor of the congregation's morals.
She was constantly sticking her nose into others people's business.
Most of the members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough
to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake,
however, when she accused Slim of being an alcoholic after she saw his
pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She
emphatically told Slim, in front of the entire congregation, that everyone
seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing.
Slim, a man
of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later
that evening, Slim quietly parked his pickup in front of Bertha's
house, walked home, and left it there all night.
buyers hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They each bagged
As they started
loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot told them the plane
could take only two moose and that they would have to leave two.
The cattle buyers
objected strongly. Bart told the pilot, "Hell, last year we shot
four moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same
plane as yours."
Ace chimed in,
"Yeah, but then he was a damned good pilot."
the pilot gave in and all four were loaded. Unfortunately, even at
full power, the plane couldn't handle the load and went down shortly after
of the wreckage, Ace asked Bart, "Any idea where we are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
|A lawyer, an
oilman, and a cattle buyer were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view
of the river was fantastic, the beer was ice cold, and the food exceptional.
the lawyer, "I still prefer the beer joints back in Austin. There's one
place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy
4 beers, he will buy the 5th."
The oilman said
"Well, at my local bar in Houston, the owner will buy your 3rd drink after
you've bought 2."
nothin'," the cattle buyer responded." Up in Dallas, there's this
bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink
and keep them coming all night. Then when you've had enough to drink, you
go upstairs for a little romantic activity. And it's all on the house."
The lawyer and
the oilman immediately doubted the cattle buyer's claims.
"And this actually
happened to you?" asked the lawyer.
"No, not myself
personally," admitted the cattle buyer. "But it did happen to my
misjudged the market, contracted a big string of calves way too high, and
was now completely broke. Taking pity on him, a local rancher hired
him as a ranch hand to give him a chance to get back on his feet.
asked, "Do you have a saddle?"
"No, I had to sell about everyting I owned."
Taking him out
to the tack room, the rancher said, "Here's a saddle you can use.
You'll be roping calves and doctoring them, so you'll need a rope. Get
one from those hanging over there on the wall."
Trying to appear
knowledgeable, Bart carefully examined several ropes before choosing one,
and then asked... "What do you use for bait?"
|A lawyer was
pheasant hunting and he shot and dropped a bird. It fell into a cattle
pasture on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over
the fence, an elderly cattle buyer drove up and asked the lawyer what he
The lawyer responded,
"What the Hell does it look like I'm doing? I shot a pheasant and
it fell in this pasture and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The cattle buyer
replied, "I don't care for your attitude. This is my property and
I want you gone."
lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in the country and if
you don't let me get that pheasant, I'll sue you for everything you own."
The cattle buyer
said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle disputes around here.
We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked,
The cattle buyer
replied, "Well, because the dispute occured on my land, first I kick you
three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth,
until someone gives up."
thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take
the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old cattle
buyer slowly climbed out of his pickup and walked up to the attorney. His
first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's
groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent
the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all
fours when the cattle buyer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first
into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned
every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with
the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
The cattle buyer
smiled and said, "Naw, I give up... You can have the pheasant."
buyers from Oklahoma were on a trip to Central Texas to look at a set of
cows when they were pulled over by a State Trooper. The trooper walked
up and tapped on the driver-side window with his nightstick. The cattle
buyer rolled down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacked him in the
head with his nightstick.
"What the hell
was that for?" the cattle buyer asked.
"You're in Texas,
" the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Texas, you better have
your license ready by the time we get to your car."
ran a check on the license and the cattle buyer was clean, so he gave him
his license back. The trooper then walked around to the passenger side
and tapped on the window and the other cattle buyer rolled down the window
and "WHACK", the trooper smacked him on the head with the nightstick.
do that for?" the cattle buyer demanded.
wish come true," replied the trooper.
wish come true?" the cattle buyer asked.
"I know you
cattle buyer types," The trooper said. "A hundred feet down the road,
you're would've turned to your buddy and said... "I wish that SOB would've
tried that on me!"
|J.W. had been
so busy trying to put together some big cattle deals that he forgot his
wedding anniversay for the 10th time in 14 years. After 3 days of
his wife not speaking to him, he decided to make a valiant attempt to get
back on her better side.
"Honey, I'd like to buy you a new SUV."
"I don't need
a new SUV," she said. "Besides, they get lousy gas mileage."
Taking the rebuff
in stride, J.W. said, Well, then let's go to Las Vegas for several days."
She looked him
straight in the eye and said in a tone dripping with sarcasm, "With you?
I don't think so."
desparate, J.W. whined, "Isn't there something I can give you that'll make
is," she said. "A divorce."
be reasonable," J.W. pleaded, "You know I can't afford that."
buyer suspected his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told
him there is a simple informal test the cattle buyer could perform to give
the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you
do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a
normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not,
go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.
the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He said to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens.”
In a normal tone he asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
So the cattle buyer moved ten feet closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet
from his wife, and repeated, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response...
Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his
wife and asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, no response...
Then he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for dinner?"
was no response... So he walked right up behind her. "Honey, what's
For the fifth time... WE'RE HAVING STEAK!"
buyer was at his favorite watering hole and flirting with his favorite
cocktail waitress when a loud argument started at a nearby table.
The argument was about why oil prices keep going higher.
The cattle buyer
listened for a few moments, and never being shy about sharing his opinions,
he slid his chair over the table and joined the discussion…
“You guys have
it all wrong. It’s really pretty simple how we came to have an oil
shortage here in America… Nobody bothered to check the oil.”
“We just didn't know we were getting low in production and refining capacity.
The reason for that is purely geographical. Most of our oil production
is located in Alaska, California, Louisiana, Oklahoma, New Mexico, and
“And our DIPSTICKS
are located in Washington, DC.”
buyer got in his Escalade, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked on the
farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 years old opened the door.
"Is your pa
home?" asked the cattle buyer.
"No, sir, he
ain't", the boy said. "He went to town."
"Well ," said
the cattle buyer, "Is your ma here?"
"No sir, she
ain't here neither. She went to town with Pa."
"How about your
brother, Howard? Is he here?
"He went with
Ma and Pa."
The cattle buyer
stood there, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything
I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools is,
if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Pa?"
the cattle buyer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your pa. It's
about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.
The boy considered
for a moment... "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.
"If it helps ya any, I know he charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the
boar. But I really don't how much he charges fer Howard."
|A police officer
stopped a cattle buyer for speeding and asked to see his driver's license.
the cattle buyer replied, "You guys need to get your act together... Yesterday,
you took my license away and today you expect me to show it to you."
|A cattle buyer
died and found himself in Hell. As he was moping around and complaining
that he'd never done anything bad enough to end up in Hell, Satan approached
and asked what was wrong.
"What do you
think is wrong? I'm in Hell." answered the cattle buyer.
"Well, it's not so bad down here. Let me ask you... Are you a drinking
"Yes, I like
to drink some" said the cattle buyer.
"Well, on Mondays,
all we do here is drink. Beer, vodka, wine, whiskey, you name it.
We drink until we get sick and then we drink some more," responded Satan
pretty good" the cattle buyer replied.
"Do you smoke?"
asked Satan .
"Yes, I smoke,"
said the cattle buyer.
"Well, on Tuesdays
all we do here is smoke" Satan said, "Cigarettes, cigars, pipes, all of
it. And the great part is is that you don't have to worry about lung
cancer because you're already dead."
buyer said, "That's a pretty good deal"
"How about drug
use?" Satan asked.
I have tried drugs different times" said the cattle buyer.
said, "On Wednesdays, all we do is drugs... Pot, coke, heroin. And
the best part is you don't have to worry about an overdose because you're
buyer said, "All right, this might not be so bad"
Then Satan asked,"
Do you gamble?"
"Yes, I like
to gamble", replied the cattle buyer
we gamble. We play poker, craps, roulette, slots, everything.
And if you go broke, who cares. You're dead," Satan said with a smirk.
"I think I'm
gonna like it down here." said the cattle buyer.
"Let me ask
you this... Are you homosexual?" asked Satan.
the cattle buyer answered, "No, I'm definitely not."
gonna hate Fridays then."
|A cattle buyer
was stopped by a Highway Patrol Officer for driving erratically...
up the volume on your speakers and click on the link below to see what
Played by your
computer's media player... Give it a few seconds to load.
buyer had been promising his wife for several months that he would cut
up a stack of old fence posts for firewood. After the first snow
of the year, he decided it would be easier to cut up the posts than to
listen to his wife complaining about not having any wood.
He went out
to the shop and got a saw. It took him 10 minutes to cut 1 piece
with the hand saw and he was so out of breath, he had to lean against a
tree to stay on his feet. After he got his breath, he headed to town
and went to the hardware store. They sold him a new chain saw and
assured his that he could cut a cord a day with the saw.
He got home
and went to work. But it took him 20 minutes with the chain saw to
make 1 cut. Cursing all the way, he sped back to town, stormed into
the hardware store, slammed the chainsaw down on the counter, and snarled
at the clerk, "There's something wrong with this damned saw. I can
cut twice as fast with my hand saw."
The clerk said,
"I'm sorry, sir. Let's go out back to the lumberyard and I'll see
if I can figure out what's wrong."
The clerk clicked
the switch to "Run", set the choke, and pulled on the starter rope.
The saw started on the first pull.
cattle buyer jumped back and shouted, "What in the Hell is all that noise
rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good
looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied
for the job. One was a cowboy and the other a cattle buyer. She checked
their references and learned the cowboy was a hopeless womanizer with a
drinking problem. The cattle buyer listed his banker as a reference
and the banker told the widow that the cattle buyer was honest and hardworking
and she would be completely safe having him around.
She hired the
cattle buyer and he proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every
day and knew a lot about ranching. After a month, the rancher's widow
said to the cattle buyer, "You've done a really good job and the ranch
looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The cattle
buyer readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no cattle buyer. He
returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's
widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Nervously, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she
asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently
and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned
it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
"Now take off
my bra." With trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor. Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light
of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him
and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
|Late one Fall,
a cattle buyer was taking delivery of 1,500 yearlings 180 miles away.
Because of the number of cattle and several sellers being involved, he
took his secretary with him to help with the tallying and paperwork.
By the time they got the cattle weighed, loaded, and the trucks on the
road, there were a few snowflakes in the air.
The cattle buyer
and his secretary stopped at a restaurant to get something to eat and by
the time they finished eating, a full fledged blizzard was underway.
They started for home, but only went about 20 miles before they came to
a road block where the Highway Patrol was turning traffic around because
the road was closed due to white-out conditions 50 miles down the road.
They went back
to the only motel in town to get a couple of rooms but there was only one
room left and it only had 1 bed. They talked it over and decided
they didn't have any choice but to share the room. Later that evening,
they went to bed and the secretary said, "I'm a little cold... Would you
mind getting me an extra blanket?"
The cattle buyer
thought a moment and then replied, "You know what... Since we're sleeping
in the same bed tonight, maybe we ought to act like we're married."
With a twinkle
in her eye, the secretary said, "That doesn't sound like too bad of an
replied the cattle buyer, "Get up and get your own damned blanket."
A cattle buyer
stumbled through the front door of a tavern, staggered up to the bar, and
with difficulty, crawled onto a barstool where he swayed back and forth.
After he finally
got stablized on the barstool, he yelled at the bartender, "Give me
a double shot of your best whisky,"
politely replied, "Sir, it appears you've had enough to drink. I'm
not going to be able to serve you. Let me call you a cab so you get
the cattle buyer said, "Let me tell you where you can go. I should
have known better than to come into this dive."
of the dignity he could muster, the cattle buyer weaved his way out of
the bar. About 10 minutes later, he wobbled through the side door
of the bar and ordered a drink. The bartender again refused to serve
him and asked him to leave the bar.
A little later,
the cattle buyer came into the bar through the back door and demanded a
said, "Look buddy... You're drunk and I'm not going to serve you.
Now you can either let me call a cab or the police. It's your choice."
The cattle buyer
slobbered, "Damn... How many places do you tend bar?"
|Bart was walking
out to the barn to do chores when he tripped over something that was nearly
completely buried. It was an old oil lamp. He dug it out of the ground,
rubbed off some of the dirt, and a genie appeared and informed Bart that
he would grant him 3 wishes, but 1 month apart.
to being an order buyer, Bart always had some cattle on feed, so he told
the genie, "I'd like the fat cattle market to trade at $110 next week."
"As you wish,"
said the genie.
A month to the
day later, Bart rubbed on the lamp again. The genie appeared and
said, "What is your 2nd wish?"
"I wish for a $110 fat cattle market next week."
"Wait a minute...
Wasn't that your first wish?" asked the genie.
"Yeah, it was,"
Bart said sheepishly, "But I thought the market was going higher... This
time I'll take a $110 bid."
had the uncanny ability to accurately guess a person's IQ by just looking
into his eyes. Last Friday, a well dressed gentlemen came in and
ordered scotch and water. The bartender assessed the man's IQ to
be 151 and he asked the man his opinion about the global warming controversy
and received an intelligent and informed response.
His next customer
ordered a Michelob and the bartender guessed his IQ to be 128 and engaged
him in a lively discussion about sports.
The next man
to come in ordered 3 Wild Turkeys. The bartended looked him in the
eye and saw that the IQ was only 88. He asked, "How many years have you
been buying cattle?"
|A cattle buyer
had not been feeling well for about a month or so and went to see a doctor.
After a preliminary examination, the doctor asked, "Do you drink?"
The cattle buyer
The doctor pressed
the point, "On an average, how much do you drink per day?"
After some deep
thought, the cattle buyer answered, "Oh, I guess about 10 or 12."
The doctor asked,
"10 or 12 what?"
the cattle buyer said... "10 or 12 hours."
|A woman decided
to have cosmetic surgery, including a facelift and breast implants.
She spent $7,500 and felt pretty good about the results. On her way home
from the final checkup following the surgery, she decided to celebrate
by having dinner at a restaurant. While checking out at the restaurant,
she asked the cashier, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do
you think I am?"
the cashier replied.
47," the woman said happily.
Now she was
feeling really good about herself and decided to have a drink in the restaurant's
She was seated
and served in the back of the lounge next to a cattle buyer and they began
visiting. She asked the cattle buyer, "How old do you think I am?"
her, he said, "It's too dark back here to tell by looking. But I
know another way to tell your age, but it requires you to let me feel your
breasts. Then I can tell exactly how old you are."
Because it was
dark and no one was sitting near them, the woman let curiosity get the
best of her.
She said, "What
the Hell... Go ahead."
The cattle buyer
slipped both hands up her blouse, under her bra, and begins to feel around.
After a couple of minutes, she said impatiently, "Okay, okay, enough feeling.
How old am I?"
He removed his
hands and said, "You are 47."
woman said, "That is amazing! You could really tell by feeling?"
The cattle buyer
replied, "Actually, I was behind you in line at the restaurant checkout."
|After the local
cattle auction was over, Bart stopped at a bar for a drink before he started
home. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down
next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to Bart and
asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"Well, I've done my share of herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences,
but I haven't done much of that in quite a few years. Now, I have
an order buying service and mostly just buy and trade cattle."
After a short
while he asked her, "What about you... What are you?"
The young lady
laughed and said, "Actually, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking
about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when
I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."
After the girl
left, a couple sat down next to Bart, and eyeing his black hat, the man
asked, ""Are you a real cowboy?"
To which Bart
replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm probably
|An old rancher
was on his deathbed... Knowing that he probably would not live out the
night, the rancher asked a nurse if she would call Ed and Larry, two local
cattle buyers, and ask them to come to the hospital.
Ed and Larry
walked into the hospital room knowing that their old friend was not long
for this world. After thanking them for coming, the rancher asked,
"Would you two do me a favor by sitting with me until I die?"
They both answered
that they would stay.
Then the rancher
asked, "Ed, would you sit on the left side of my bed? And Larry,
would you sit on the right side of my bed?"
The cattle buyers
seated themselves as the rancher requested.
an hour, Ed asked the rancher. "Why do you want us on each side of you?
replied, "I'm a God fearing man and I would like to die the same way Jesus
died... With a thief on each side.
buyers went deer hunting and one of them got a really big buck. After
dressing him out, each cattle buyer grabbed a hind leg and they started
pulling the deer towards their truck.
to the truck, they met another hunter and he said, "Really nice buck you
got there, but I think if you pulled him by his horns, it would be a lot
better than dragging him by his hind legs."
tried it and after a while one said, "This sure is better. He drags a lot
smoother this way."
The other cattle
buyer said... "Yeah, but we're getting farther away from the truck."
buyers left the bar after a long night of drinking and got into their car.
Bart was driving and he started it up. After a couple of minutes of driving,
an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
"Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" Bart sped up,
but the face stayed in the window. Jed rolled his window down part way
and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man
softly replied, "You got a cigarette?" Jake handed the old man a cigarette
and yelled, "Step on it," to Bart, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes
later they calmed down and started laughing. Bart said, "I don't know what
happened, but don't worry... the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man
"There he is
again," Jake yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have
a light?" the old man quietly asked. Jake threw a lighter out the window
saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving
about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard,
when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God!
He's back!" Jake rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT
The old man
gently replied, "You guys want some help getting out of the mud?"
|On the first
day of school, the kindergarten teacher asked a little boy if he knew his
"Yes," he said.
"My dad's a cattle buyer and he taught me to how to work with numbers."
said the teacher. "Let's see what you know... What comes after three?"
the little boy.
"Your dad did
a good job," said the teacher. "Let's try one more... What comes
the little boy answered... "A jack."
|A cattle buyer
was on the road and checked into a motel for the night. He went out
to dinner, and on his way back to the motel, he stopped at a lounge where
he met an attractive woman and ended up going home with her.
The next morning,
he noticed a picture of a man on the woman’s dresser and asked, “Who’s
the guy in the picture?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
A little concerned,
he asked, “Well, is he your husband?” She said she was not married.
“No, I don’t
have a boyfriend.”
who in the Hell is it?” demanded the cattle buyer.
The woman replied,
“If you have to know, it was me before my operation.”
cattle buyer decided he needed to settle down. He had three girlfriends,
but couldn't decide which one to marry. He decided to give each of
his girlfriends $2,000 and see how they spent the money.
The first one
went out and got a total makeover with the money. She bought new
clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and told the cattle
buyer, "I wanted to look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second girl
went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo
and gave them to the cattle buyer. She said, "I bought these gifts for
you with the money because I love you so much."
The third girl
took the $2,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled the investment,
returned the $2,000 to the cattle buyer and reinvested the rest. She said,
"I'm investing the rest for our future because I love you so much."
The cattle buyer
thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money...
It was an agonizing decision, but he finally decided to marry the one with
the biggest breasts.
|A cattle buyer
bought a load of heifers and before he could get them sold, the market
went down, leaving him looking at a significant loss. He decided
to keep the heifers and breed them in hope he could recoup his loss by
selling them as bred heifers later on. He bought 2 bulls from a nearby
rancher and turned them out with the heifers.
In about a week,
the cattle buyer saw the rancher in town and said, "I want my money back
on those damned bulls you sold me. All they do is eat grass and won't
even look at the heifers."
replied, "I'll sure take them back, but before I do, let me send my vet
out to your place to take a look at those bulls."
A week later,
the rancher saw the cattle buyer and asked if the vet's visit did any good.
The cattle buyer
replied, "The vet did a Hell of job on those bulls. They bred all my heifers,
broke through the fence, and bred about half of my neighbor's cows before
we could get them out."
"Glad to hear
that" said the rancher. "What did the vet do to those bulls?"
"Just gave them
some pills," replied the cattle buyer.
"What kind of
pills?" asked the rancher.
said the cattle buyer... "But they sort of taste like peppermint."
A grade school
teacher was asking students what their fathers did for a living. "Tim,
you be first," she said. "What does your father do all day?"
Tim stood up
and proudly said, "He's a doctor."
How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood
up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
Amy," said the teacher. "What about your father, Jack?"
Jack stood up
and announced, "My daddy is a thief, a drug dealer, and a pimp."
was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day
she phoned Jack's house and asked his mother to come to school for a conference.
When she arrived, the teacher explained what her son had said and asked
if there might be some logical explanation.
said, "Jack's father is actually a cattle buyer... But how can I explain
a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Bart, a local
cattle buyer, stormed into the office at the County Road Department and
demanded to see the foreman.
"I live on County
Road 44," fumed Bart, "And I want you to move the "Deer Crossing" sign
that's on that sharp curve near Oak Creek."
asked, "Just why do you want the sign moved?"
I come home after dark, I nearly hit a deer on that curve because you can't
see them until it's almost too late," explained Bart.
"I guess I don't
understand," said the foreman, "How will moving the sign help?"
"Not too sharp,
are you?" snarled Bart... "If you move the damned sign to a straight part
of the road, I'll be able to see the deer in plenty of time."
buyer and his wife were attending the State Fair and his wife decided to
visit a psychic on the midway.
In a dark and
hazy tent, peering into a crystal ball surrounded by candles, the mystic
delivered grave news…
easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to
be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
the cattle buyer’s wife thought about the years of misery and abuse she
had experienced in her marriage. She took a few deep breaths to compose
herself and then asked the psychic…
"Will I be acquitted?"
Sam had hauled
some calves to the sale and by the time they sold and he got his check,
it was nearly dark. He knew there was a good chance he would get
stopped if his trailer lights weren’t working, so he decided to check them
out before starting for home.
Just as he got
to his pickup and trailer, he spotted Bart, a local cattle buyer, headed
for his Lincoln.
“Hey Bart, give me a hand.”
over and Sam asked him to stand behind the trailer and let him know if
the lights were working.
“Are the tail
lights working?” asked Sam.
“How about the
brake lights?” asked Sam.
“OK, here goes
the left turn signal. Is it working?” asked Sam.
“Yes… No… Yes… No…”
someone drive up and looked out to see Bart, a local cattle buyer, getting
out of his car. He came to the door and explained that her husband
asked him to look at the steers in the South Pasture. After he had
looked at the cattle, Bart stopped at the house and knocked on the door.
When Nancy came
to the door, Bart said, "Tell Tom I'll call him tonight about the steers.
By the way, Nancy... You just get prettier and prettier. In fact,
you look so good, I'll pay you $1,000 if you'll take off your blouse."
Bart was an
uncurable flirt who delighted in making women uncomfortable with his outrageous
advances and Nancy decided to call his bluff.
She said, "Bart,
the screen door's locked and it's going to stay that way. Slide the
money under the door."
in his pocket, pulled out a roll of money, peeled off ten $100 bills and
slid them under the door.
Not about to
let Bart back her down, she took off her blouse. Bart peeled off
10 more $100 bills and said, "You can have this $1,000 if you'll take off
Bart expected and would truly enjoy it if she reacted with indignant outrage,
she said, "Put your money where your mouth is." Bart immediately
slid the money under the door.
was about to get the best of Bart and $2,000 of his money, Nancy nonchalantly
took off her bra, picked up the money, and then closed the door.
at dinner, Tom asked Nancy, "Did Bart make it out here today?"
"He did. He was here mid-afternoon, looked at the steers, and said
he would call you tonight."
Then Tom asked,
"Did he leave $2,000? I loaned him some money last week and he told
me this morning he would go
by the Bank,
get the money, and leave it here this afternoon."