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| A cattle buyer
was driving across a high bridge in Texas. As he neared the middle
of the bridge, he noticed a young man climb onto the railing getting ready
to jump.
The cattle buyer screeched to a halt, rolled down his window and said, "Hey buddy - Don't jump. It can't be that bad." The guy said, "Its that bad." In the soothing tone he normally reserved for trying to buy yearlings for $5 under the market from grieving widows , the cattle buyer said, "Think of your wife and children." The guy replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids." "Well, then", said the cattle buyer, "Think about your poor mother and your dad." Sobbing, the young man said, "Mom and Dad are both dead. I'm going to jump." Desperate, the cattle buyer blurted out, "Well, think of the Alamo." The guy replied, ''What's the Alamo?'' "You dumb-ass Yankee," snorted the cattle buyer... "Go ahead and jump." |
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| Joke Archive... |
| A cattle buyer
went into a jewelry store and bought an expensive locket as a birthday
present for his girlfriend.
"Do you want her name engraved upon it ?" asked the jeweler. The cattle buyer thought for a moment and replied, "No name, but engrave ~To My One And Only Love~ on it. Sooner or later, we'll break up and there's a good chance she'll be so mad that she will throw everything at me that I ever gave her. And if she does, I can use it again." |
| Just because
Slim was a cattle buyer didn't mean he wasn't a good Christian. In
fact, Slim rarely missed going to Church. His church had a gossip,
Bertha, who was the self-appointed monitor of the congregation's morals.
She was constantly sticking her nose into others people's business.
Most of the members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough
to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Slim of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Slim, in front of the entire congregation, that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was doing. Slim, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Slim quietly parked his pickup in front of Bertha's house, walked home, and left it there all night. |
| Two cattle
buyers hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They each bagged
two moose.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot told them the plane could take only two moose and that they would have to leave two. The cattle buyers objected strongly. Bart told the pilot, "Hell, last year we shot four moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours." Ace chimed in, "Yeah, but then he was a damned good pilot." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded. Unfortunately, even at full power, the plane couldn't handle the load and went down shortly after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreckage, Ace asked Bart, "Any idea where we are?" Bart replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." |
| A lawyer, an
oilman, and a cattle buyer were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view
of the river was fantastic, the beer was ice cold, and the food exceptional.
"But," said the lawyer, "I still prefer the beer joints back in Austin. There's one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th." The oilman said "Well, at my local bar in Houston, the owner will buy your 3rd drink after you've bought 2." "Hell, that's nothin'," the cattle buyer responded." Up in Dallas, there's this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you've had enough to drink, you go upstairs for a little romantic activity. And it's all on the house." The lawyer and the oilman immediately doubted the cattle buyer's claims. "And this actually happened to you?" asked the lawyer. "No, not myself personally," admitted the cattle buyer. "But it did happen to my wife." |
| Ace had badly
misjudged the market, bought a big string of calves way too high, and was
now completely broke. Taking pity on him, a local rancher decided
to hire Ace as a ranch hand and give him a chance to get back on his feet.
After hiring him, the rancher asked Ace, "Do you have a saddle?" Ace answered, "No, I had to sell about everyting I owned." Taking him out to the tack room, the rancher said, "Here's a saddle you can use. You'll be catching calves and doctoring them, so you'll need a rope. Get you one from those hanging over there on the wall." Trying to appear knowledgeable, Ace carefully examined several ropes before choosing one, and then he asked... "What do you use for bait?" |
| A lawyer was
pheasant hunting and he shot and dropped a bird. It fell into a cattle
pasture on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over
the fence, an elderly cattle buyer drove up and asked the lawyer what he
was doing.
The lawyer responded, "What the Hell does it look like I'm doing? I shot a pheasant and it fell in this pasture and now I'm going to retrieve it." The cattle buyer replied, "I don't care for your attitude. This is my property and I want you gone." The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in the country and if you don't let me get that pheasant, I'll sue you for everything you own." The cattle buyer said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle disputes around here. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What's that?" The cattle buyer replied, "Well, because the dispute occured on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old cattle buyer slowly climbed out of his pickup and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the cattle buyer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn." The cattle buyer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up... You can have the pheasant." |
| Two cattle
buyers from Oklahoma were on a trip to Central Texas to look at a set of
cows when they were pulled over by a State Trooper. The trooper walked
up and tapped on the driver-side window with his nightstick. The cattle
buyer rolled down the window and WHACK, the trooper smacked him in the
head with his nightstick.
"What the hell was that for?" the cattle buyer asked. "You're in Texas, " the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car." The trooper ran a check on the license and the cattle buyer was clean, so he gave him his license back. The trooper then walked around to the passenger side and tapped on the window and the other cattle buyer rolled down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacked him on the head with the nightstick. "What'd you do that for?" the cattle buyer demanded. "Making your wish come true," replied the trooper. "Making WHAT wish come true?" the cattle buyer asked. "I know you cattle buyer types," The trooper said. "A hundred feet down the road, you're would've turned to your buddy and said... "I wish that SOB would've tried that on me!" |
| J.W. had been
so busy trying to put together some big cattle deals that he forgot his
wedding anniversay for the 10th time in 14 years. After 3 days of
his wife not speaking to him, he decided to make a valiant attempt to get
back on her better side.
J.W. purred, "Honey, I'd like to buy you a new SUV." "I don't need a new SUV," she said. "Besides, they get lousy gas mileage." Taking the rebuff in stride, J.W. said, Well, then let's go to Las Vegas for several days." She looked him straight in the eye and said in a tone dripping with sarcasm, "With you? I don't think so." Now, getting desparate, J.W. whined, "Isn't there something I can give you that'll make you happy?" "Yes, there is," she said. "A divorce." "C'mon Honey, be reasonable," J.W. pleaded, "You know I can't afford that." |
| The cattle
buyer suspected his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the cattle buyer could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response. That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He said to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens.” In a normal tone he asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response... So the cattle buyer moved ten feet closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeated, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response... Next he moved into the dining room where he was about 20 feet from his wife and asked, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response... Then he walked up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, there was no response... So he walked right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" "Dammit Bart! For the fifth time... WE'RE HAVING STEAK!" |
| The cattle
buyer was at his favorite watering hole and flirting with his favorite
cocktail waitress when a loud argument started at a nearby table.
The argument was about why oil prices keep going higher.
The cattle buyer listened for a few moments, and never being shy about sharing his opinions, he slid his chair over the table and joined the discussion… “You guys have it all wrong. It’s really pretty simple how we came to have an oil shortage here in America… Nobody bothered to check the oil.” He continued, “We just didn't know we were getting low in production and refining capacity. The reason for that is purely geographical. Most of our oil production is located in Alaska, California, Louisiana, Oklahoma, New Mexico, and Texas.” “And our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington, DC.” |
| The cattle
buyer got in his Escalade, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked on the
farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 years old opened the door.
"Is your pa home?" asked the cattle buyer. "No, sir, he ain't", the boy said. "He went to town." "Well ," said the cattle buyer, "Is your ma here?" "No sir, she ain't here neither. She went to town with Pa." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here? "He went with Ma and Pa." The cattle buyer stood there, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools is, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Pa?" "Well," said the cattle buyer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your pa. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant. The boy considered for a moment... "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps ya any, I know he charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar. But I really don't how much he charges fer Howard." |
| A police officer
stopped a cattle buyer for speeding and asked to see his driver's license.
Indignantly, the cattle buyer replied, "You guys need to get your act together... Yesterday, you took my license away and today you expect me to show it to you." |
| A cattle buyer
died and found himself in Hell. As he was moping around and complaining
that he'd never done anything bad enough to end up in Hell, Satan approached
and asked what was wrong.
"What do you
think is wrong? I'm in Hell." answered the cattle buyer.
"Do you smoke?"
asked Satan .
"How about drug
use?" Satan asked.
Then Satan asked,"
Do you gamble?"
"Let me ask
you this... Are you homosexual?" asked Satan.
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A cattle buyer
was stopped by a Highway Patrol Officer for driving erratically...
Turn up the volume on your speakers and click on the link below to see what transpired. |
| The cattle
buyer had been promising his wife for several months that he would cut
up a stack of old fence posts for firewood. After the first snow
of the year, he decided it would be easier to cut up the posts than to
listen to his wife complaining about not having any wood.
He went out to the shop and got a saw. It took him 10 minutes to cut 1 piece with the hand saw and he was so out of breath, he had to lean against a tree to stay on his feet. After he got his breath, he headed to town and went to the hardware store. They sold him a new chain saw and assured his that he could cut a cord a day with the saw. He got home and went to work. But it took him 20 minutes with the chain saw to make 1 cut. Cursing all the way, he sped back to town, stormed into the hardware store, slammed the chainsaw down on the counter, and snarled at the clerk, "There's something wrong with this damned saw. I can cut twice as fast with my hand saw." The clerk said, "I'm sorry, sir. Let's go out back to the lumberyard and I'll see if I can figure out what's wrong." The clerk clicked the switch to "Run", set the choke, and pulled on the starter rope. The saw started on the first pull. Startled, the cattle buyer jumped back and shouted, "What in the Hell is all that noise ?" |
| A successful
rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good
looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was a cowboy and the other a cattle buyer. She checked their references and learned the cowboy was a hopeless womanizer with a drinking problem. The cattle buyer listed his banker as a reference and the banker told the widow that the cattle buyer was honest and hardworking and she would be completely safe having him around. She hired the cattle buyer and he proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. After a month, the rancher's widow said to the cattle buyer, "You've done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The cattle buyer readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no cattle buyer. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Nervously, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight. "Now take off my bra." With trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired." |
| Late one Fall,
a cattle buyer was taking delivery of 1,500 yearlings 180 miles away.
Because of the number of cattle and several sellers being involved, he
took his secretary with him to help with the tallying and paperwork.
By the time they got the cattle weighed, loaded, and the trucks on the
road, there were a few snowflakes in the air.
The cattle buyer and his secretary stopped at a restaurant to get something to eat and by the time they finished eating, a full fledged blizzard was underway. They started for home, but only went about 20 miles before they came to a road block where the Highway Patrol was turning traffic around because the road was closed due to white-out conditions 50 miles down the road. They went back to the only motel in town to get a couple of rooms but there was only one room left and it only had 1 bed. They talked it over and decided they didn't have any choice but to share the room. Later that evening, they went to bed and the secretary said, "I'm a little cold... Would you mind getting me an extra blanket?" The cattle buyer thought a moment and then replied, "You know what... Since we're sleeping in the same bed tonight, maybe we ought to act like we're married." With a twinkle in her eye, the secretary said, "That doesn't sound like too bad of an idea." "O.K. then" replied the cattle buyer, "Get up and get your own damned blanket." |
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A cattle buyer stumbled through the front door of a tavern, staggered up to the bar, and with difficulty, crawled onto a barstool where he swayed back and forth. After he finally got stablized on the barstool, he yelled at the bartender, "Give me a double shot of your best whisky," The bartender politely replied, "Sir, it appears you've had enough to drink. I'm not going to be able to serve you. Let me call you a cab so you get home safely." Incredulous, the cattle buyer said, "Let me tell you where you can go. I should have known better than to come into this dive." Gathering all of the dignity he could muster, the cattle buyer weaved his way out of the bar. About 10 minutes later, he wobbled through the side door of the bar and ordered a drink. The bartender again refused to serve him and asked him to leave the bar. A little later, the cattle buyer came into the bar through the back door and demanded a drink. The bartender said, "Look buddy... You're drunk and I'm not going to serve you. Now you can either let me call a cab or the police. It's your choice." The cattle buyer slobbered, "Damn... How many places do you tend bar?" |
| Bart was walking
out to the barn to do chores when he tripped over something that was nearly
completely buried. It was an old oil lamp. He dug it out of the ground,
rubbed off some of the dirt, and a genie appeared and informed Bart that
he would grant him 3 wishes, but 1 month apart.
In addition to being an order buyer, Bart always had some cattle on feed, so he told the genie, "I'd like the fat cattle market to trade at $110 next week." "As you wish," said the genie. A month to the day later, Bart rubbed on the lamp again. The genie appeared and said, "What is your 2nd wish?" Bart replied, "I wish for a $110 fat cattle market next week." "Wait a minute... Wasn't that your first wish?" asked the genie. "Yeah, it was," Bart said sheepishly, "But I thought the market was going higher... This time I'll take a $110 bid." |
| A bartender
had the uncanny ability to accurately guess a person's IQ by just looking
into his eyes. Last Friday, a well dressed gentlemen came in and
ordered scotch and water. The bartender assessed the man's IQ to
be 151 and he asked the man his opinion about the global warming controversy
and received an intelligent and informed response.
His next customer ordered a Michelob and the bartender guessed his IQ to be 128 and engaged him in a lively discussion about sports. The next man to come in ordered 3 Wild Turkeys. The bartended looked him in the eye and saw that the IQ was only 88. He asked, "How many years have you been buying cattle?" |
| A cattle buyer
had not been feeling well for about a month or so and went to see a doctor.
After a preliminary examination, the doctor asked, "Do you drink?"
The cattle buyer replied, "Some." The doctor pressed the point, "On an average, how much do you drink per day?" After some deep thought, the cattle buyer answered, "Oh, I guess about 10 or 12." The doctor asked, "10 or 12 what?" Reluctantly, the cattle buyer said... "10 or 12 hours." |
| A woman decided
to have cosmetic surgery, including a facelift and breast implants.
She spent $7,500 and felt pretty good about the results. On her way home
from the final checkup following the surgery, she decided to celebrate
by having dinner at a restaurant. While checking out at the restaurant,
she asked the cashier, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do
you think I am?"
"About 32", the cashier replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said happily. Now she was feeling really good about herself and decided to have a drink in the restaurant's lounge. She was seated and served in the back of the lounge next to a cattle buyer and they began visiting. She asked the cattle buyer, "How old do you think I am?" Squinting at her, he said, "It's too dark back here to tell by looking. But I know another way to tell your age, but it requires you to let me feel your breasts. Then I can tell exactly how old you are." Because it was
dark and no one was sitting near them, the woman let curiosity get the
best of her.
The cattle buyer slipped both hands up her blouse, under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes, she said impatiently, "Okay, okay, enough feeling. How old am I?" He removed his hands and said, "You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That is amazing! You could really tell by feeling?" The cattle buyer replied, "Actually, I was behind you in line at the restaurant checkout." |
| After the local
cattle auction was over, Bart stopped at a bar for a drink before he started
home. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down
next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to Bart and
asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"
Bart replied, "Well, I've done my share of herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, but I haven't done much of that in quite a few years. Now, I have an order buying service and mostly just buy and trade cattle." After a short while he asked her, "What about you... What are you?" The young lady laughed and said, "Actually, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." After the girl left, a couple sat down next to Bart, and eyeing his black hat, the man asked, ""Are you a real cowboy?" To which Bart replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm probably a lesbian." |
| An old rancher
was on his deathbed... Knowing that he probably would not live out the
night, the rancher asked a nurse if she would call Ed and Larry, two local
cattle buyers, and ask them to come to the hospital.
Ed and Larry walked into the hospital room knowing that their old friend was not long for this world. After thanking them for coming, the rancher asked, "Would you two do me a favor by sitting with me until I die?" They both answered that they would stay. Then the rancher asked, "Ed, would you sit on the left side of my bed? And Larry, would you sit on the right side of my bed?" The cattle buyers seated themselves as the rancher requested. After about an hour, Ed asked the rancher. "Why do you want us on each side of you? The rancher replied, "I'm a God fearing man and I would like to die the same way Jesus died... With a thief on each side. |
| Two cattle
buyers went deer hunting and one of them got a really big buck. After
dressing him out, each cattle buyer grabbed a hind leg and they started
pulling the deer towards their truck.
About halfway to the truck, they met another hunter and he said, "Really nice buck you got there, but I think if you pulled him by his horns, it would be a lot better than dragging him by his hind legs." The cattlebuyers tried it and after a while one said, "This sure is better. He drags a lot smoother this way." The other cattle buyer said... "Yeah, but we're getting farther away from the truck." |
| Two cattle
buyers left the bar after a long night of drinking and got into their car.
Bart was driving and he started it up. After a couple of minutes of driving,
an old man's face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.
Jake screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" Bart sped up, but the face stayed in the window. Jed rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got a cigarette?" Jake handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to Bart, rolling up the window in terror. A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing. Bart said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry... the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again," Jake yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. Jake threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!" They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping. "Oh my God! He's back!" Jake rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?" The old man gently replied, "You guys want some help getting out of the mud?" |
| On the first
day of school, the kindergarten teacher asked a little boy if he knew his
numbers.
"Yes," he said. "My dad's a cattle buyer and he taught me to how to work with numbers." "That's good," said the teacher. "Let's see what you know... What comes after three?" "Four," answered the little boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Your dad did a good job," said the teacher. "Let's try one more... What comes after ten?" Confidently, the little boy answered... "A jack." |
| A cattle buyer
was on the road and checked into a motel for the night. He went out
to dinner, and on his way back to the motel, he stopped at a lounge where
he met an attractive woman and ended up going home with her.
The next morning, he noticed a picture of a man on the woman’s dresser and asked, “Who’s the guy in the picture?” She replied, “Don’t worry about it.” A little concerned, he asked, “Well, is he your husband?” She said she was not married. “Your boyfriend?” “No, I don’t have a boyfriend.” “Your brother?” “No” “Well, then who in the Hell is it?” demanded the cattle buyer. The woman replied, “If you have to know, it was me before my operation.” |
| A prosperous
cattle buyer decided he needed to settle down. He had three girlfriends,
but couldn't decide which one to marry. He decided to give each of
his girlfriends $2,000 and see how they spent the money.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She bought new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and told the cattle buyer, "I wanted to look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second girl went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the cattle buyer. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third girl took the $2,000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled the investment, returned the $2,000 to the cattle buyer and reinvested the rest. She said, "I'm investing the rest for our future because I love you so much." The cattle buyer thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money... It was an agonizing decision, but he finally decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts. |
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| A cattle buyer
bought a load of heifers and before he could get them sold, the market
went down, leaving him looking at a significant loss. He decided
to keep the heifers and breed them in hope he could recoup his loss by
selling them as bred heifers later on. He bought 2 bulls from a nearby
rancher and turned them out with the heifers.
In about a week, the cattle buyer saw the rancher in town and said, "I want my money back on those damned bulls you sold me. All they do is eat grass and won't even look at the heifers." The rancher replied, "I'll sure take them back, but before I do, let me send my vet out to your place to take a look at those bulls." A week later, the rancher saw the cattle buyer and asked if the vet's visit did any good. The cattle buyer replied, "The vet did a Hell of job on those bulls. They bred all my heifers, broke through the fence, and bred about half of my neighbor's cows before we could get them out." "Glad to hear that" said the rancher. "What did the vet do to those bulls?" "Just gave them some pills," replied the cattle buyer. "What kind of pills?" asked the rancher. "Don't know," said the cattle buyer... "But they sort of taste like peppermint." |
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A grade school teacher was asking students what their fathers did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your father do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "He's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?" Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amy," said the teacher. "What about your father, Jack?" Jack stood up and announced, "My daddy is a thief, a drug dealer, and a pimp." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she phoned Jack's house and asked his mother to come to school for a conference. When she arrived, the teacher explained what her son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation. Jack's mother said, "Jack's father is actually a cattle buyer... But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" |
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Bart, a local cattle buyer, stormed into the office at the County Road Department and demanded to see the foreman. "I live on County Road 44," fumed Bart, "And I want you to move the "Deer Crossing" sign that's on that sharp curve near Oak Creek." The foreman asked, "Just why do you want the sign moved?" "Every time I come home after dark, I nearly hit a deer on that curve because you can't see them until it's almost too late," explained Bart. "I guess I don't understand," said the foreman, "How will moving the sign help?" "Not too sharp, are you?" snarled Bart... "If you move the damned sign to a straight part of the road, I'll be able to see the deer in plenty of time." |
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The cattle buyer and his wife were attending the State Fair and his wife decided to visit a psychic on the midway. In a dark and hazy tent, peering into a crystal ball surrounded by candles, the mystic delivered grave news… "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, the cattle buyer’s wife thought about the years of misery and abuse she had experienced in her marriage. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and then asked the psychic… "Will I be acquitted?" |
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Sam had hauled some calves to the sale and by the time they sold and he got his check, it was nearly dark. He knew there was a good chance he would get stopped if his trailer lights weren’t working, so he decided to check them out before starting for home. Just as he got
to his pickup and trailer, he spotted Bart, a local cattle buyer, headed
for his Lincoln.
Bart walked over and Sam asked him to stand behind the trailer and let him know if the lights were working. “Are the tail lights working?” asked Sam. “Yeah”, said Bart. “How about the brake lights?” asked Sam. “They’re working”, said Bart. “OK, here goes the left turn signal. Is it working?” asked Sam. Bart answered,
“Yes… No… Yes… No…”
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| Nancy heard
someone drive up and looked out to see Bart, a local cattle buyer, getting
out of his car. He came to the door and explained that her husband
asked him to look at the steers in the South Pasture. After he had
looked at the cattle, Bart stopped at the house and knocked on the door.
When Nancy came to the door, Bart said, "Tell Tom I'll call him tonight about the steers. By the way, Nancy... You just get prettier and prettier. In fact, you look so good, I'll pay you $1,000 if you'll take off your blouse." Bart was an uncurable flirt who delighted in making women uncomfortable with his outrageous advances and Nancy decided to call his bluff. She said, "Bart, the screen door's locked and it's going to stay that way. Slide the money under the door." Bart reached in his pocket, pulled out a roll of money, peeled off ten $100 bills and slid them under the door. Not about to let Bart back her down, she took off her blouse. Bart peeled off 10 more $100 bills and said, "You can have this $1,000 if you'll take off your bra." Certain that Bart expected and would truly enjoy it if she reacted with indignant outrage, she said, "Put your money where your mouth is." Bart immediately slid the money under the door. Figuring she was about to get the best of Bart and $2,000 of his money, Nancy nonchalantly took off her bra, picked up the money, and then closed the door. That evening, at dinner, Tom asked Nancy, "Did Bart make it out here today?" Nancy replied, "He did. He was here mid-afternoon, looked at the steers, and said he would call you tonight." Then Tom asked,
"Did he leave $2,000? I loaned him some money last week and he told
me this morning he would go
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